A Prayer of Frustration

I hate those who take something from me that was mine.

I cry when others receive what I deserved.

I wallow in self-pity because I cannot have my way.

I detest myself when I’m not good enough.

I cling to these idols like a small child to a favorite toy.

I know Your love and Your grace…

I know they are beyond sufficient.

And yet I’m still holding on.

How can I call anything mine?

It was Yours far before my very existence.

I don’t deserve each breath that I take.

How can I yearn for more?

My way consistently leads me to an empty dead end.

Why will my soul not trust You?

Why do I think that I could ever be good enough?

You’ve promised to be everything.

 O Father, I lay these idols at Your feet.

I acknowledge that everything I have is a gift from You.

I proclaim that You are my only God.

Mold me into a pleasing vessel.

Fill me with You.

Cleanse me.

Make me pure.

Teach me.

I wrote this on August 17, 2010. It's over a year later and I feel the same things all over again. I know that God is good, He is sufficient, and He is loving... Yet I've been so caught up with waiting for my life to be "my way." I've felt so inadequate. I've felt like a failure because I'm not "perfect" for Adam, for my family, or for myself. So again, I acknowledge that God has promised to be everything. I lay my idols at His feet and proclaim that He is my only God. With the Psalmist, "I cry aloud to the Lord; I life up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble" (Psalm 142:1-2).