Dear Joseph: On Becoming a Big Brother

Dear Joseph,
In a couple of months, we’ll bring home your new sister. We are so excited to see you become a big brother! Your sweet nature, your love of laughter, and your love of people will make you an especially good big brother.

Our world and our routine will change when your sister comes home. We may ask you to “wait” more often and you’ll share some of your time with us. Your sister will cry often at first and she’ll need lots of attention from Mommy and Daddy. But this doesn’t mean that we love you any less. We love you so much! Nothing and no one can ever change that.

We are so excited for your sister to arrive! In fact, YOU are one of the reasons we are so excited. Because of you, we know what a joy it is to add a member to our family!

Becoming a big brother will be a big change in your life and I want you to know that it’s okay to be frightened. (Mommy is a little frightened too ;)) Being a big brother is a gift and also a big responsibility. God chose YOU to be your sister’s brother! He chose you because are just the right person for the job and He knows you’re ready. God will help you grow and learn how to be the big brother He wants you to be.

Change can be hard, but it will be exciting also! I know your sister will love you so much. She doesn’t know it yet, but she has the best big brother ever! I’m so proud of you, Joseph.

Love,
Mommy

Mom-shaming Stops With Me

Mom-shaming - Criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make (Definition from Urban Dictionary).

It's easy to do. The snap judgment of the 30-second interaction you observe in the grocery store, the questions raised from a picture on Instagram, witnessing a parent do the "one thing you've sworn you'll NEVER do"... (Sidebar: You'll probably end up doing that thing.) We've all "mom-shamed" on some level.

But you know what? Mom-shaming stops with us. 

And not just our criticizing each other. Mom-shaming stops when we stop mom-shaming ourselves. How many Facebook posts have you seen that include #dontjudgeme, #momfail, or "I feel like such a bad mom, but..."? How many of my posts, how many of yours, include phrases like these?

I remember when we first brought Joseph home. He had trouble latching to breastfeed for the first few weeks and there were times when we would both cry. I would say to him, "I'm so sorry, Joseph. Mommy's trying. We're both learning." As Joseph becomes more of a toddler, my tears are more from exasperation, but I often pray that God would help me know how to teach him. Mothering is hard work and one of the hardest parts is that these precious little humans don't come with manuals. I don't know how to make him understand that it's encouraged for him to throw a ball, but it's wrong to throw other toys. I worry that the grapes aren't cut small enough or that he's cold in the night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things.

So when did I stop allowing myself to learn? When did I stop appreciating God's grace and start shaming myself as if it were all up to me? We're not alone in our struggles. Allowing my child more TV time than I once intended doesn't mean I've failed. I'm not a bad mom because his pajamas didn't have footies on a cold night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things. I want this attitude every day. Sometimes I forget his hat and sometimes I accidentally knock him over when he's clinging to my leg, etc, etc. I'm not suggesting that we celebrate these moments, but they happen. And they're going to continue happening because we're both learning. This parent/child thing isn't easy, but we're all learning.

Mom-shaming stops with me.

A Season of Simple

Choosing a calendar for the year is one of my favorite things! I look at each design option, each page and schedule layout, thinking through what’s ahead and what will work best for me. I like being busy and organized. I’ve prided myself on knowing what’s coming and planning ahead.

This year I discovered that Marshall’s sells an assortment of calendars—including one of my favorite brands. So I began the decision process... Here’s a calendar with the schedule layout I like, but I don’t really like the cover. I love that cover, but the page layout is too busy. What’s ahead for this year? My day is currently scheduled by “before nap” and “after nap.” This season doesn’t require the fancy layouts I’ve had before and I was somewhat disappointed by the thought.

I’m drawn to a hand-sized calendar with a simple layout—no lists, nothing fancy. It’s white with gold polka dots and inside is a weekly layout, simple blocks for each day. After some deliberation, I sense God’s presence and I hear Him speak to me, “Embrace this season of simple.”

I’m so thankful for this precious time as just “Mommy and Joseph,” acutely aware that my going back to work would have been very stressful at this stage. But I also feel lonely and unsure of how to structure my time. “Embrace this season of simple” has become a calling, an affirmation that I’m exactly where God wants me. A few months ago I could not have foreseen all that would unfold this Summer, but I’m so thankful that God goes before us, that He ordains our days.

The God-Centered Mom podcast closes with this sentiment and I’d like to as well. I tear up each time I hear it as I’m working to believe and live it. “I want you to really understand and know that God is just as present when you are washing dishes at your kitchen sink as when you are worshiping Him in a church pew. He sees your service to your family and He is pleased.”

A Small Thing in His Eyes

"So what are you guys doing?"

It's a question you get used to, but one that you come to dread. We heard it last Summer when Adam was finishing at Gordon-Conwell. Then, when we decided to stay in MA "for a year" the question resurfaced this Spring. And what do you say when your life is completely up in the air? Because the real answer is "I have no clue," but that doesn't seem to suffice. People expect you to have a place to live, to make money, to support your child. You know... the basics.

We'd been answering that Adam had applied to jobs in a few places and we were waiting for something to work out. Waiting. Even typing the word makes me cringe a little. "Waiting is an activity," my Spiritual Director said often during this time. "Well... Ok... But I'm still waiting," I thought. In March, I told Covenant Christian Academy that I wouldn't be returning. I told our Head of School and my students, "Adam's waiting to hear back from a few jobs and I expect we'll move this Summer." By mid-June, we had one job left... A really cool opportunity in Virginia. "This is the one," I thought. Or at least, "It's the last one, so it has to come through." [I imagine God smiled knowingly.]

But Adam didn't get the job in VA. Over four days, we learned three things: 1) No job in VA. 2) A different life change was coming (that I'll explain in a separate post). 3) Our lease wasn't expiring in September, it was expiring that Friday. "Umm... God, what are you doing?" In one sense, I'm panicking. In another sense, I'm completely at peace. God has to be up to SOMETHING. [Maybe she's finally getting it.]

One week later, Adam gets a phone call. "We'd like you to do a part-time curacy at CTR." (CTR is our current church and a curacy is a "baby priesthood" where a new priest trains and serves under a more experienced priest--if you've talked to Adam about it, this is what he really wanted next.) We were floored. The idea of a curacy at CTR didn't exist. It wasn't even possible the week before. I can't even explain why it became possible except to say that God worked a miracle. So we're staying in MA for awhile! Adam will work at CTR in this expanded role (and part-time at Christian Book Distributors, where, surprise, he also got a raise). With these changes, my salary from last year is covered and I'll stay home full-time with Joseph. Ya'll. God showed up and showed out. We are incredibly thankful.

It's a little disappointing we're not moving. We were hoping to be closer to family, in a more affordable area, etc. But God has made this path so incredibly clear. So, we are rejoicing in His provision and excited to see how He will continue to work!

Adam sent me this prayer from 2 Samuel yesterday:

Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me this far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes O Lord God. What more can we say to you? For you know your servant, O Lord God.

"Yet this was a small thing in your eyes..." God IS good. Not in the sense of "He's a good person" or "He does good things," but in His very being. His very essence IS good. And as Goodness, he provides. May each of us learn to live in light of His faithfulness, His goodness, His plan.

Saying Goodbye Doesn't Mean Anything

"Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it." ~Trey Parker

On Friday I taught my last class at Covenant Christian Academy. CCA was a "home away from home" while I worked full time during Adam's seminary journey. I say "home away from home" because I spent a lot of time there, teaching, planning, creating, etc, but also because I found community there. Having a job that I loved was a huge part of my settling in when we moved to New England. It gave me purpose (and kept me busy) while Adam was attending classes and writing papers (so many papers!). Kim Russell, a co-worker, took me in from the very beginning. I think she was just being nice at first—making sure the new girl was settling in—but somewhere along the way she became a dear friend. We spent many a planning period chatting, pulled away only by students arriving for one of our classes. She prayed with me for a child, encouraged me through our time of waiting, and celebrated our pregnancy with sincere joy. She loves Joseph dearly and I cherish that. I chaperoned the 8th grade trip which she leads and one of our favorite memories is sneaking away for milkshakes while students explored a D.C. museum.

It seems strange to say goodbye - especially to my students. The school year has always ended and we always say goodbye for the Summer, so I haven't figured out how to say goodbye without some part of me expecting to see them next year. I've taught many of them for multiple years, one group of them for four years - we're a little family of sorts. There are quote books, bad habits, inside jokes, etc. There are things I wish they would forget and many things I hope they'll always remember.

I hope they know that I've learned from them - to laugh at myself and to cherish the fresh start of each day, to say "I'm sorry" and to try again. I hope they remember that I believe in them and that every problem has a solution. I hope they know how to solve radical equations or to write a congruence proof (at least for their final next week ;)), but more than that I hope they remember that they CAN. They are good at math. And on the days when they don't feel like they're good at anything, I hope they remember that I love them. At the end of the day, they are my "kids." And I can't really say goodbye - I don't know how. So, instead, I'll say what I say every year - Have a great Summer and I'll miss you.

Joseph's Breastfeeding Story

Much like a birth story, the breastfeeding journey is different for everyone. This is my experience with Joseph. It's not meant to contain every detail and there's always more to say, but I hope that our experience can be encouraging in some way!

Joseph latched well after his birth, but this was short lived. After that first time, I remember placing him to my breast and he would just cry... It was almost like he'd worked himself up so much that we would have to calm him down and then try again to help him latch. The nurses at Beverly Hospital were very supportive; they were so patient and didn't flinch when we called them to ask for help. They showed me how to position my breast for him, how to use a nipple shield, how to keep him awake while feeding, etc.

One of the first things that surprised me about breastfeeding was how long it took! Every baby is different, but in the beginning, Joseph nursed for 30 minutes on each side! The nurses had told me that I should feed him every 2-3 hours, so when we (finally!) finished those early nursing sessions, I expected to have at least 2 hours to rest... This was not the case. Obviously, Joseph still needed to be cared for in other ways. But also the "2-3 hours" was start time to start time—meaning if we started a nursing session at 2pm, he might need (and often wanted :)) another session around 4pm. When he was taking an hour to nurse, this was particularly exhausting!

We had varying degrees of success moving forward. The nurses had given me the nipple shield, but it only helped sometimes and it often required an extra hand. (Sidenote: I have mixed feelings about the shield. I do think it helped in the beginning and we didn't end up having any problems taking it off, but we did worry Joseph would become dependent on it. On top of all of this, Joseph also tended to put his hands to his mouth when he was hungry! So here I was, holding him with one hand, trying to adjust the shield and position my breast with the other hand, and now I needed to move his hands to help him latch. Adam or my mom started moving his hands for me, which was great. But I remember being scared of being alone with him because I didn't have enough hands!

Nights were the hardest. You want someone to help. You want someone to share the burden, but God has designed this so that only you can provide this type of nourishment. Adam was (and is) very supportive. He got up every time and changed Joseph's diaper while I got ready to nurse. Even still, when he went back to bed it was just me and Joseph! I'll be honest, sometimes I resented when Joseph needed to eat. Sometimes I still do, but I think everyone works past this in their own way.

Then Joseph got thrush, an infection that can be passed back and forth between mom and baby through breastfeeding. We began sanitizing everything that went into Joseph's mouth, the two of us began medication, etc. Thankfully this was not overly painful for either of us, but it was uncomfortable and the whole ordeal was stressful on top of our latching struggles.

Fast forward a couple of weeks... Seemingly overnight, it just clicked. Joseph was latching without help, the thrush was healed, it just worked. Other than a few adjustments to address a weight gain issue, we've never looked back! I love this special time with my baby boy. His eyes looking up at me, his hand reaching to touch my face, these are moments that I won't get back and that I hope to remember forever. Our nursing sessions already look different than those early days. He is much more active and aware of his surroundings. Sitting still is not his favorite thing - even when it's time to eat :) Nevertheless, I cherish our time and I'm so glad God has allowed me to be on this journey with my baby.