Baby Gosnell: "All the days were ordained for me..."

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

The journey of desiring to be pregnant, praying for a child, and now the journey of pregnancy is so different for everyone. We each have our story, our ups and downs, our victories and scars. I'm sharing this because I believe that God deserves the glory in every story because He authors each one - from the couple who never "tries" to get pregnant to the infertile couple who conceives after all hope is lost. This is how He authored ours.

2014

March... I took the little pink pill for the last time. I think I made Adam hold my hand while I threw the packaging away. It was a symbol, a moment that I wanted to remember. I remember thinking, "Okay, God. It's truly up to you now." Of course it was always up to Him, but this small event made His work seem more tangible to me.

April, May, and June... I found an excuse every month to take a pregnancy test. "Today was so tiring.. Maybe I'm pregnant." "Why am I so emotional?... Maybe I'm pregnant."

July... God promised me a baby, a son to be exact. It's not something I can explain, because a conversation with the Most High can rarely be explained. But HE HAS PROMISED. He spoke to my heart and told me that one day... one day He will grant me a child.

August, September... The school year began again and I realized I expected to be pregnant by this point. I had hoped to come back to school and share the news with my coworkers and students. Maybe by Christmas, I hope to myself.

October... I share with my spiritual director that God has promised me a child. During the conversation, she shares that God is telling me to pray for this child, for the life that will be. I cry, knowing that God is affirming His promise to me. HE HAS PROMISED.

November... The doctor tells me that the lining in my uterus is likely very thin. He begins a regimen of medicines that he expects will help. God reveals to me the next morning that had we become pregnant during this time, the risk of miscarriage would have been much higher. Again I cry. He's watching me. He's working. HE HAS PROMISED.

December... As we head home for the holidays, I again realize I held a secret hope to be pregnant by this time. Maybe I could visit my family and bring good news to them in person. But there is no news to share.

2015

January, February, March... God, why am I here? Life continues its steady beat and I'm happy, but I still wait. I know I'm loved. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know God has made this time with my husband precious. I know HE HAS PROMISED. But still we wait. Sometimes in silence, other times in tears. Sometimes in patience, other times in fear... We wait. And God continues to be faithful. God continues to be real. He reminds me HE HAS PROMISED.

April... It's been over a year since the pink pills. A year sounds like such a long time. The doctor tells us that my body has responded well to the medicine. "Now," he says, "you can try." Now? Now he says we really begin. HE HAS PROMISED. And to Him even a thousand years is like a watch through the night. And so we trust. We wait.

May, June... My body continues in a rhythm that we hope will lead to a pregnancy. We continue to wait.

July... My body's rhythm comes to a halt. Could it be? Is this the moment I've been praying for? We take a test and I make Adam check the answer with me... It's negative and I cry. HE HAS PROMISED. I write the post Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing, trying to trust what God has for us even when it's not what I wanted right now.

August... We begin to prepare for another school year - my third year teaching at Covenant and Adam's third/final year in the M.Div. program at Gordon-Conwell. We wait in silence this month, thinking that pregnancy was not an option until my body's rhythm returns.

September 1, 2015 ... The day before school starts is our last in-service day before the year begins. I was having a medical issue and arranged to leave work for a quick doctor's appointment. During my visit, the doctor asks, "Are you sure you're not pregnant? Let's have you take a test to be sure." "Alright," I think to myself, "but I know it's going to be negative." A few minutes pass and the nurse pokes her head in and says "It's positive." WHAT?! After making sure I understood her correctly, I burst into tears right there in the doctor's office. HE HAS PROMISED.

We are so thankful for this child growing inside me. We are overwhelmed by God's faithfulness, His goodness, and His work. It didn't make sense medically for me to get pregnant when I did, but I thank God for that because it is one more way that He gets the glory in all this. God doesn't need my plans, my checklists, or my body's science. He is the author of it all and all I can do is to say "Thank you" and to do everything I can to make sure that He gets the glory for this amazing gift.