Baby Gosnell: "All the days were ordained for me..."

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

The journey of desiring to be pregnant, praying for a child, and now the journey of pregnancy is so different for everyone. We each have our story, our ups and downs, our victories and scars. I'm sharing this because I believe that God deserves the glory in every story because He authors each one - from the couple who never "tries" to get pregnant to the infertile couple who conceives after all hope is lost. This is how He authored ours.

2014

March... I took the little pink pill for the last time. I think I made Adam hold my hand while I threw the packaging away. It was a symbol, a moment that I wanted to remember. I remember thinking, "Okay, God. It's truly up to you now." Of course it was always up to Him, but this small event made His work seem more tangible to me.

April, May, and June... I found an excuse every month to take a pregnancy test. "Today was so tiring.. Maybe I'm pregnant." "Why am I so emotional?... Maybe I'm pregnant."

July... God promised me a baby, a son to be exact. It's not something I can explain, because a conversation with the Most High can rarely be explained. But HE HAS PROMISED. He spoke to my heart and told me that one day... one day He will grant me a child.

August, September... The school year began again and I realized I expected to be pregnant by this point. I had hoped to come back to school and share the news with my coworkers and students. Maybe by Christmas, I hope to myself.

October... I share with my spiritual director that God has promised me a child. During the conversation, she shares that God is telling me to pray for this child, for the life that will be. I cry, knowing that God is affirming His promise to me. HE HAS PROMISED.

November... The doctor tells me that the lining in my uterus is likely very thin. He begins a regimen of medicines that he expects will help. God reveals to me the next morning that had we become pregnant during this time, the risk of miscarriage would have been much higher. Again I cry. He's watching me. He's working. HE HAS PROMISED.

December... As we head home for the holidays, I again realize I held a secret hope to be pregnant by this time. Maybe I could visit my family and bring good news to them in person. But there is no news to share.

2015

January, February, March... God, why am I here? Life continues its steady beat and I'm happy, but I still wait. I know I'm loved. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know God has made this time with my husband precious. I know HE HAS PROMISED. But still we wait. Sometimes in silence, other times in tears. Sometimes in patience, other times in fear... We wait. And God continues to be faithful. God continues to be real. He reminds me HE HAS PROMISED.

April... It's been over a year since the pink pills. A year sounds like such a long time. The doctor tells us that my body has responded well to the medicine. "Now," he says, "you can try." Now? Now he says we really begin. HE HAS PROMISED. And to Him even a thousand years is like a watch through the night. And so we trust. We wait.

May, June... My body continues in a rhythm that we hope will lead to a pregnancy. We continue to wait.

July... My body's rhythm comes to a halt. Could it be? Is this the moment I've been praying for? We take a test and I make Adam check the answer with me... It's negative and I cry. HE HAS PROMISED. I write the post Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing, trying to trust what God has for us even when it's not what I wanted right now.

August... We begin to prepare for another school year - my third year teaching at Covenant and Adam's third/final year in the M.Div. program at Gordon-Conwell. We wait in silence this month, thinking that pregnancy was not an option until my body's rhythm returns.

September 1, 2015 ... The day before school starts is our last in-service day before the year begins. I was having a medical issue and arranged to leave work for a quick doctor's appointment. During my visit, the doctor asks, "Are you sure you're not pregnant? Let's have you take a test to be sure." "Alright," I think to myself, "but I know it's going to be negative." A few minutes pass and the nurse pokes her head in and says "It's positive." WHAT?! After making sure I understood her correctly, I burst into tears right there in the doctor's office. HE HAS PROMISED.

We are so thankful for this child growing inside me. We are overwhelmed by God's faithfulness, His goodness, and His work. It didn't make sense medically for me to get pregnant when I did, but I thank God for that because it is one more way that He gets the glory in all this. God doesn't need my plans, my checklists, or my body's science. He is the author of it all and all I can do is to say "Thank you" and to do everything I can to make sure that He gets the glory for this amazing gift.

Back to School 2015

Reasons I love Back to School:

I can't wait to see my students and co-workers again! It's crazy how much time we spend together over a school year. We're always ready for Summer break, but we miss each other too :)

The schedules and routines return. Don't get me wrong, I hate my alarm at 5:30 every morning, but I'm healthier and more balanced when I stay on a consistent schedule - something I'm not very good at maintaining in the Summer.

Two words: school supplies. Seriously, new pens and fresh notebooks just make me happy!


A fresh start. It's my second chance to set new year's resolutions, to start healthy habits, etc. it's energizing!

7th graders. They always begin the year wide-eyed and slightly clueless. They're eager to please and willing to love you just because you're their teacher. It wears off some as the year progresses, but I enjoy it while it lasts.

Decorating my classroom. It's a lot of work, but I like starting off with a clean slate. This year, I have a brand new room. Our school finished out a hallway and I'll be there with one of my favorite teaching buddies!

Back to School is always bittersweet, but it's mostly exciting! Pray for us as we start new relationships and rekindle old ones. Pray that our students will feel loved and we'll make connections early. Pray for solid routines to be established quickly, for mutual respect, and for energy!

Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing

Have you ever started praying something for someone else only to learn later that YOU need your prayer more than the other person? Yikes! A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Adam about Psalm 34. As I read through it, I desired each verse for our (future) children... I pray that our children bless the Lord continually, that they seek Him for deliverance, that they taste His goodness, that they fear Him, etc. I began memorizing the Psalm for this purpose - to pray it for our (future) children.

Then disappointment came... I had prayed and hoped for something. I believed that God's timing was now, that He was finally going to answer my prayers. But He said no; once again He asked me to wait. And I was hurt. I told God that it wasn't fair and I pointed out others who have what I wanted - Why them and not me? Pridefully, I told Him that I deserved this and that everything would be better if He would only grant this one request. And I heard Him whisper the verses that I had memorized only days before... "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth... I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears." You want me to bless you and seek you, Lord? At all times... Even now? You'll deliver me from my fears? "Taste and see that [I] am good." I know You're good, Lord. "Those who fear [me] have no lack." I fear You, Lord. "Those who seek [me] lack no good thing." I am seeking you, Lord. But why do I feel this desire? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on something that others enjoy? If I feel lack, it means one of two things... 1) I am not seeking the Lord. Or 2) The object of my desire is not good.

1) I am not seeking the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I remember hearing Beth Moore comment that she's learned that this verse doesn't mean that God will give us everything we want, rather it means that God makes Himself that desire. It means we become satisfied because we find that He is the only thing worth desiring.

2) The object of my desire is not good. I don't mean that a house or a husband (or whatever we might be praying for) is bad itself, but it may not be what God has planned. Or further it may not be what God has planned for right now. To lack no good thing means that we already HAVE every good thing.

So I find myself now praying Psalm 34 not only for future children, but for myself... I'm praying that I will bless the Lord continually, that I will seek Him for deliverance, that I will taste His goodness, that I will fear Him, etc. And I pray the same for you, dear friend. God's blessings to you. 

Through the Storm

Read Psalms 107:1-3, 23-32, & 43.

Did you read it? No, seriously... Read! (Clicking on "Read!" will take you to Bible Gateway. I've already searched the passage for you and everything.)

Psalm 107 has a rhythm to it. There are a few verses telling a story about heartache, fear, or trouble quickly followed by two phrases: "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress... Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!" This happens four times. As I heard the passage referred to above on Sunday, the image that came to mind was of another story. A New Testament story. Does anything come to mind? There are a couple of stories that would fit, but the one that came to me was when Jesus calmed the storm on Galilee. It's found in Mark 4:35-41.

Read Mark 4:35-41. ...  Read!

There are a couple of things that stand out to me in this passage. 1) Jesus told them in verse 35 where they were going - to the other side. There was a destination, a plan, a purpose before they ever sailed out. 2) The disciples question: "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" They trusted this man. They had given up everything to follow this man, this Jesus. Now they are afraid and they begin to question everything. Does this sound familiar? 3) Jesus' questions: "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

I’ve recognized that one of my idols is security. I desperately want to be safe, to know what’s coming around the bend. I hate when I can’t predict what will happen next - from a meeting at work to the future with my husband. I do love adventure, but only when I’m the one in control.

Recently my emotional security was threatened and I felt very alone. It’s difficult to explain the circumstances and I will not try, but I became very angry at God. Why would He allow this? Why didn’t He protect me from this? Surely this pain wasn’t what He intended for ME. In my anger I cried with the disciples, "Teacher, do you not care?!"

Then on Sunday, I heard Jesus ask me these questions: “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

Remember in Mark that it was Jesus’ idea to get in the boat. He told the disciples that they should cross to the other side. He knew they would travel through the storm. He knew the disciples would become afraid and that their security would be threatened. Yet He told them to go anyway. I believe the disciples' faith was worth their insecurity. Their growth was worth the fear. And I'm learning that the same is true in my own life. God's faithfulness and steadfast love are enough to sustain me through the storm.

Arthur Benjamin & Inspiring Math

 

There are many things that I find difficult about teaching, but two of them are planning for a substitute teacher and inspiring my students.

1) Planning lessons for a substitute is really hard for me! I stress about whether my directions are clear enough, if the students will have enough time or if there will be extra time, if the substitute will even read my plans, etc.

2) Inspiring my students. Math gets a bad rapport with many students long before they ever enter my classroom. Many students have already decided that math is too hard for them, that they'll always be poor students in math. And I so desperately want to show them that it doesn't have to be that way! I believe that all students can learn - more specifically, all students can learn math! But helping them believe that for themselves is something that I struggle with.

So when I found this video by Arthur Benjamin, I was really excited - Arthur is interactive, inspiring, and he loves math! What more could a math teacher ask for?! I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did.

While I was away with the 8th graders in D.C., I left this video along with a response sheet for my 7th grade PreAlgebra class and my Geometry classes. Here are a handful of responses from my student when asked about inspiration. Hopefully I can build on these!

• “The number patterns are really cool and how they build upon each other. This shows us how amazing and diverse everything is and how immaculate God is for creating this."

• “I am not only inspired by math, but also my teacher. Having a great teacher (Mrs. Gosnell) helps the students to learn more math. You rock!”

• “Doing math inspires me to think harder and inquire different angles and viewpoints of life’s many situations and decisions."

• “Math inspires me to learn the world around us. By learning new equations/problems in math, it inspires me o learn about problems in the world around us.”

• “Mrs. Gosnell is an inspiration to me. You can see clearly how much she loves math and wants to share her knowledge with us.”

• “Personally when complex concepts all of a sudden click, I find it really cool. Also how things become so complex is really neat.”

• “I love the patterns in math. Fibonacci numbers are a perfect example of this. Patterns are inspiring.”

• “Math poses a challenge that one must strive to overcome. It inspires one to think critically and creatively and find patterns between numbers.”

• “The challenge of going through the hardships of finding an answer.”
  

"Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving..."

Mary's responsibility at home is to clean up the dishes after supper. She does so faithfully each night. One night Mary's parent serves grilled cheese for dinner. "How dare you serve me grilled cheese? I've done the dishes every night. I never complain and I even put clean out the sink! I deserve much more than grilled cheese for dinner!"

It's not a perfect illustration, but I was Mary earlier this week. You see Adam and I left everything we knew and moved to MA, we live in seminary housing with no dishwasher, and I (mistakenly) thought that I was doing God a favor. Then on Friday, I woke up to water spots in our ceiling and water dripping into our apartment from the window. We put towels down to dry up the water as much as we could and Adam waited on maintenance while I headed to work. A couple of hours later I received a text from Adam... Maintenance said they can't do anything right now - told us to soak it up as best you can and wait until it gets warmer. My reaction was something like this: "Wait until it gets warmer?! Are you kidding me? This is where we live. How dare they expect us to live here while water leaks in!"

Later I began reading an article about the work that Compassion International has done in Haiti since the Tsunami in 2010. I read of families completely displaced from their homes and others who moved back in only to deal with constant leaks and major damage. Ugh. What about my situation made me think that I was doing God a favor? How could I ever think that my sacrifice of ashes could compare to the riches of heaven that He owns?

Psalm 51:16-19, "For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do goo to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

Psalm 54:6-7, "With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O Lord, for it is good. For he has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye has looked in triumph on my enemies."

Do you see it? God is pleased with our sacrifice when it comes from thanksgiving, from humility - realizing the help that He has provided us, realizing His salvation in our lives. God doesn't need anything from us (Ps. 50:12). Our sacrifice is not a favor to Him. God doesn't owe us anything. Our sacrifice is a thanksgiving, it's all we can offer when we realize how much God has done for us!

Abba, I am humbled. I am honored to serve you, to offer what little I have to you. Forgive me for a haughty attitude, for thinking that I deserved a place of honor. You are my helper, my salvation. You are the reason that I live, the reason that I have any blessing in this life. Thank you for accepting my sacrifice of thanksgiving.

From Winter to Spring

As I was driving home this week through the snowy tunnels that are the roads these days I was struck by how endearing New England is to me. It sounds a little crazy to say at this time of year. One day this week the temperature outside wass 3 degrees and felt like -6 degrees. The forecasted temperature for 7 a.m. (when I will be leaving for work) was -1... I learned that my car will in fact show negative degrees! The forecast for this weekend is snow, snow, and more snow... This only adds to the 2+ feet that already covers the ground. And yet... New England is my home. It's truly beautiful and I can't help but feel attached.

The snow is weighing down the trees and their branches are bent low to the ground as a result. Most of the smaller bushes are completely covered, perhaps a small branch peaking out here or there. There is nothing the snow doesn't touch (Lion King, anyone?). To say it takes over is an understatement... Yet in spite of its suffocating touch, I am reminded that Spring will come again. It's one of the reasons I love New England. One day, not too far from now,  the temperatures will rise to 70s and 80s. After winter has forced most of us indoors, Spring and Summer will pull us out again. The sunshine will finally break through the clouds (to stay) and it will begin to melt the snow. Green grass will grow again. I enjoy the winter season more than some (and less than others), but oh how I look forward to Spring! Take heart, New England!

The turn from Winter to Spring is powerful to watch... And it reminds me of our great God - how he sees a weary soul, bent over by the cruelty of sin, darkened by hopelessness. He takes that soul and shines His Son over the darkness, healing us from sin. It's even more beautiful than Spring time!