A Prayer of Frustration

I hate those who take something from me that was mine.

I cry when others receive what I deserved.

I wallow in self-pity because I cannot have my way.

I detest myself when I’m not good enough.

I cling to these idols like a small child to a favorite toy.

I know Your love and Your grace…

I know they are beyond sufficient.

And yet I’m still holding on.

How can I call anything mine?

It was Yours far before my very existence.

I don’t deserve each breath that I take.

How can I yearn for more?

My way consistently leads me to an empty dead end.

Why will my soul not trust You?

Why do I think that I could ever be good enough?

You’ve promised to be everything.

 O Father, I lay these idols at Your feet.

I acknowledge that everything I have is a gift from You.

I proclaim that You are my only God.

Mold me into a pleasing vessel.

Fill me with You.

Cleanse me.

Make me pure.

Teach me.

I wrote this on August 17, 2010. It's over a year later and I feel the same things all over again. I know that God is good, He is sufficient, and He is loving... Yet I've been so caught up with waiting for my life to be "my way." I've felt so inadequate. I've felt like a failure because I'm not "perfect" for Adam, for my family, or for myself. So again, I acknowledge that God has promised to be everything. I lay my idols at His feet and proclaim that He is my only God. With the Psalmist, "I cry aloud to the Lord; I life up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble" (Psalm 142:1-2).

Is God's Word Enough?

Our church is reading through the book Radical by David Platt. Each week we read one chapter and discuss it at our Sunday night "K-groups." (K-groups are a combination of Sunday school, Acts 2 community, and Baptist eating. The name comes from the greek word Koinonia, which means "community.") We also hear a message on Sunday mornings based off Biblical texts from the chapter.

This week we read chapter 2, entitled "Too Hungry For Words." Platt tells about a group of underground house-church leaders who asked him to teach them the Bible. He began in the Old Testament and taught them from Genesis to Malachi. "That would take a long time," you might exclaim. They spent ten days on this study. For ten days, they began early in the morning and studied for 10-12 hours. For ten days, they huddled in a small room... cramped, unclean, hiding away, hungry for God's word. At the end of the ten days, they were still not satisfied and asked Platt to continue teaching them through the New Testament. He did so for 11 hours. Through this story and the subsequent chapter, we were challenged with the questions, "Am I hungry for God's Word?" and "Would God's word be enough to bring me to church? Even without air-conditioning or music?" As I thought about this during K-group tonight, I began to realize that I am not satisfied even now. When I'm tired or upset about something, I don't want to go to church. When it's "too cold" in the sanctuary, I don't pay attention or I complain. When the music is too loud or not in a comfortable key, I begin judging or wishing worship was easier. How convicting and how terrible.

I asked God's forgiveness tonight. I begged that He make me more grateful for what I have and most of all more hungry for His Word. I want to awaken every morning in anticipation of the goodness He offers me through the Scriptures. What a privilege we have to worship through the reading of God's Word. I encourage you to read Radical. I encourage you to ask yourself the questions I mentioned. But most importantly I encourage you to read God's word, to value and prioritize His message to us. Know and learn with me that it is enough.

2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness."

Tees to Tanks

I discovered that I CAN be creative! Well... I can follow directions anyways :) My roommate, Angela, and I made tank tops out of t-shirts. They're very simple, fun and cheap. We even hand-sewed the tops! Here's how we did it:

First, we made these three cuts. One on the inside of each sleeve seam and one straight line just below the collar. These extra pieces are just scraps.

Then we pinned the top, front and back, as shown. We hand-sewed these strips, but we plan to have our moms reinforce them on a sewing machine later! Also, the strip needs to be just wide enough for you to insert a "strap" through the holes.

 After sewing these, we cut off the bottom hem of our shirts. This became our strap. We weaved each end through the respective holes and tied it off on the side! When we attempt this project again, we want to use ribbon for our straps. There are endless possibilities for the style of ribbon and it saves the length of our shirts, as well as avoiding your shirt constantly rolling up because it doesn't have a hem. These are pictures of the finished product!

I hope you enjoy! I discovered this idea on Pinterest (which I will probably write about later, because I am obsessed). Here's the link to more specific directions if you're interested ... Tee to Tank Tutorial.

The Trouble with Boys

I just finished this book as part of my "Learning Theories and Assessment Practices" class. I call it L-Tap for short. We've spent several class sessions discussing the topics in this book and I highly recommend it. If you are an educator, a parent, a future educator, or a future parent, it is a must-read. Some would say that Peg Tyre  "opened a can of worms" when she released the book in 2008. Others praise her boldness and are thankful that someone was finally willing to address the real issues.


Did you know that 33% of American women between the ages of 25 and 29 hold a four-year degree while only 26% of American men can say the same? Did you know that boys are more than twice as likely as girls to be diagnosed with ADHD? Did you know that "one in three married, working women outearns their husband - up from one in ten in the 1970s"? These are just a sampling of the issues addressed in this book.

The trouble with boys is not in the boys... Tyre writes that we as educators can help. By learning about boys, learning who they are and how they learn, we can begin to help boys change these statistics. I take these things to heart as an educator and I'm determined to avoid those mistakes in my classroom. If you've read the book, I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you haven't, I encourage you to read and form your own opinion. There are two sides to every story and I acknowledge that. There are exceptions to every rule and not every boy is struggling with today's school system. But maybe I can make a small difference for those who are.

Unexpected Time for Service

This is my first year in college to not participate in Ouachita's marching band. Band was a lot different for me last year and I became burnt out. I dreaded practices every day. Because it is not required for my major and my parents were gracious enough to cover my scholarship, I chose not to join this year. I miss seeing my sweet band friends consistently, but I have enjoyed the extra time I've now found. When I decided to quit, it was purely for selfish reasons. But as you might have guessed, God had other plans. Over the Summer, Adam accepted a position as youth pastor at our church. Not having band has allowed me a lot of freedom to become more involved in this ministry and I am more available to help Adam when he needs me. Also, today was my first meeting with a 7th grader that I will continue to mentor throughout this year. Life is still crazy-busy and I wouldn't have it any other way. But where I selfishly wanted more "me" time, God allowed me more time to serve Him through youth ministry. Galatians 5:13 says "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." God can see the big picture and His kingdom should always come first. Even when I don't "feel" like serving and I'm tempted to give up, God brings this verse to mind and energizes me to put service first and not the desires of my flesh.

NEWS FLASH: I'm not perfect.

Kaitlin's Bridal tea was on Friday morning, August 12, at 11:30. So Adam and I left Arkadelphia at 7:45 headed to Memphis. As I stretched out my legs, I realized I had missed a spot shaving. It was a small spot and unnoticeable unless you had touched me, but it bugged me! As the ride continued, I was stressed out about being late for Kaitlin's tea and generally anxious. I pulled into a gas station and became frustrated with someone who pulled in the opposite way. In a very calm and loving tone, Adam turned to me and said "Stop stressing. It's not a big deal. Everything's going to be fine." I knew he was right and after I calmed down, we talked about it. 1) Kaitlin is very sweet and gracious. She would simply be glad that I made it and she would not be concerned by my late arrival. 2) The other person at the gas station might have been late as well or they might have been about to run out of gas! 3) I realized that my desire to be on time reflected once again a "need" to be perfect. 4) Even if Kaitlin had been upset or angry with me, my relationship with God is far more important. And my attitude at the gas station reflected a lack of trust in Him and also a lack of respect for other people whom He has commanded me to love.

NEWS FLASH... I am not perfect. I've never been perfect. I will never be perfect (on this Earth). In fact, secretly, I don't want to BE perfect- I just want other people to think I'm perfect.

But what I should desire is God's glorification through my actions and in my life. This experience humbled me. I realized that I cannot be perfect and more importantly my perfection is not the goal. My only goal is to glorify God and I don't want to hinder that by focusing on myself or trying to make myself look better. Next time I am late or I miss a spot while shaving, maybe it will serve as a reminder: I am not perfect and this life is not about me.

With school now fully in swing, I struggle with this daily. I want to be the best math student; I want to speak up confidently and knowledgeably in class; I want to wear the right styles; I want to do everything and be superwoman… But I can’t. As frustrating as it may become, that’s okay. I’m learning continually that this life is not about me.

Summer Recap

Today is the first day of classes at OBU. I am so excited about beginning this year, but I also wanted to recap my Summer. These are the top 10 things that characterized this Summer for me! Enjoy :)

1) Learning to cook... A few of our favorite (and easiest) dishes were Miss Monica's Enchiladas, Chicken Taco Soup, and Beef stew. Recipes will follow in later posts, but feel free to e-mail me as well if you're interested.
2) Memphis Orpheum outing with my family...

 

3) Puzzling in the Registrar's office... I "worked" 40 hr/wk at the OBU Registrar's office, but I had some free time. My co-workers and I worked three or four puzzles over the course of the Summer during work time.

4) Shopping with Adam... more on this later.

5) "Registrar's Office, may I help you?"... When I wasn't busy puzzling, I was constantly answering the phone - at least it felt like it!

6) Reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett... If you haven't checked out this incredible book, I highly recommend it.

7) Illinois with the Gosnells... Adam and I traveled with his family to Illinois where I met his extended family and spent some more time getting to know the Gosnells. We had a great time! Jody, Adam's nephew shown with him below, was definitely one of the highlights of this trip. ;)

8) Shopping trip with my Momma and little sister. We stole away to the outlets in Lebanon, TN! I also purchased my first "little black dress."

9) Watching Smallville with Adam.

10) Kaitlin's wedding... My sweet friend is now a Mrs!!! She married the love of her life on August 13th. I was so honored and privileged to be apart of their special day.

How was your Summer? What were your top 10??