Saying Goodbye Doesn't Mean Anything

"Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it." ~Trey Parker

On Friday I taught my last class at Covenant Christian Academy. CCA was a "home away from home" while I worked full time during Adam's seminary journey. I say "home away from home" because I spent a lot of time there, teaching, planning, creating, etc, but also because I found community there. Having a job that I loved was a huge part of my settling in when we moved to New England. It gave me purpose (and kept me busy) while Adam was attending classes and writing papers (so many papers!). Kim Russell, a co-worker, took me in from the very beginning. I think she was just being nice at first—making sure the new girl was settling in—but somewhere along the way she became a dear friend. We spent many a planning period chatting, pulled away only by students arriving for one of our classes. She prayed with me for a child, encouraged me through our time of waiting, and celebrated our pregnancy with sincere joy. She loves Joseph dearly and I cherish that. I chaperoned the 8th grade trip which she leads and one of our favorite memories is sneaking away for milkshakes while students explored a D.C. museum.

It seems strange to say goodbye - especially to my students. The school year has always ended and we always say goodbye for the Summer, so I haven't figured out how to say goodbye without some part of me expecting to see them next year. I've taught many of them for multiple years, one group of them for four years - we're a little family of sorts. There are quote books, bad habits, inside jokes, etc. There are things I wish they would forget and many things I hope they'll always remember.

I hope they know that I've learned from them - to laugh at myself and to cherish the fresh start of each day, to say "I'm sorry" and to try again. I hope they remember that I believe in them and that every problem has a solution. I hope they know how to solve radical equations or to write a congruence proof (at least for their final next week ;)), but more than that I hope they remember that they CAN. They are good at math. And on the days when they don't feel like they're good at anything, I hope they remember that I love them. At the end of the day, they are my "kids." And I can't really say goodbye - I don't know how. So, instead, I'll say what I say every year - Have a great Summer and I'll miss you.

Joseph's Breastfeeding Story

Much like a birth story, the breastfeeding journey is different for everyone. This is my experience with Joseph. It's not meant to contain every detail and there's always more to say, but I hope that our experience can be encouraging in some way!

Joseph latched well after his birth, but this was short lived. After that first time, I remember placing him to my breast and he would just cry... It was almost like he'd worked himself up so much that we would have to calm him down and then try again to help him latch. The nurses at Beverly Hospital were very supportive; they were so patient and didn't flinch when we called them to ask for help. They showed me how to position my breast for him, how to use a nipple shield, how to keep him awake while feeding, etc.

One of the first things that surprised me about breastfeeding was how long it took! Every baby is different, but in the beginning, Joseph nursed for 30 minutes on each side! The nurses had told me that I should feed him every 2-3 hours, so when we (finally!) finished those early nursing sessions, I expected to have at least 2 hours to rest... This was not the case. Obviously, Joseph still needed to be cared for in other ways. But also the "2-3 hours" was start time to start time—meaning if we started a nursing session at 2pm, he might need (and often wanted :)) another session around 4pm. When he was taking an hour to nurse, this was particularly exhausting!

We had varying degrees of success moving forward. The nurses had given me the nipple shield, but it only helped sometimes and it often required an extra hand. (Sidenote: I have mixed feelings about the shield. I do think it helped in the beginning and we didn't end up having any problems taking it off, but we did worry Joseph would become dependent on it. On top of all of this, Joseph also tended to put his hands to his mouth when he was hungry! So here I was, holding him with one hand, trying to adjust the shield and position my breast with the other hand, and now I needed to move his hands to help him latch. Adam or my mom started moving his hands for me, which was great. But I remember being scared of being alone with him because I didn't have enough hands!

Nights were the hardest. You want someone to help. You want someone to share the burden, but God has designed this so that only you can provide this type of nourishment. Adam was (and is) very supportive. He got up every time and changed Joseph's diaper while I got ready to nurse. Even still, when he went back to bed it was just me and Joseph! I'll be honest, sometimes I resented when Joseph needed to eat. Sometimes I still do, but I think everyone works past this in their own way.

Then Joseph got thrush, an infection that can be passed back and forth between mom and baby through breastfeeding. We began sanitizing everything that went into Joseph's mouth, the two of us began medication, etc. Thankfully this was not overly painful for either of us, but it was uncomfortable and the whole ordeal was stressful on top of our latching struggles.

Fast forward a couple of weeks... Seemingly overnight, it just clicked. Joseph was latching without help, the thrush was healed, it just worked. Other than a few adjustments to address a weight gain issue, we've never looked back! I love this special time with my baby boy. His eyes looking up at me, his hand reaching to touch my face, these are moments that I won't get back and that I hope to remember forever. Our nursing sessions already look different than those early days. He is much more active and aware of his surroundings. Sitting still is not his favorite thing - even when it's time to eat :) Nevertheless, I cherish our time and I'm so glad God has allowed me to be on this journey with my baby.

Moments

I suddenly had the hiccups recently and was reminded that Joseph had the hiccups almost every day as a new baby. And I panicked because I had almost forgotten! Joseph doesn't have the hiccups often now, so I hadn't thought of them in awhile. I wondered, "What else have I already forgotten?" I'm reminded that life is made up of tiny moments. Some moments feel insignificant or pass without thought (like the hiccups of a newborn), but others are frozen in time by their impact or wonderment (like bringing Joseph home). So I'd like to share some of our "moments" with Joseph.

These are a few that I recorded when Joseph was only a few weeks old...

-Singing "Jesus Loves Me" ... My parents had often shared with me that my Dad wanted to be the first one to tell my sister and me that Jesus loved us, so he sang "Jesus Loves Me" to each of us soon after we were born. I remembered this and sang to Joseph before we even left the delivery room.

-When he was only a few weeks old, I broke down crying because he is going to change and grow so fast. I am constantly reminded how fleeting these precious days are.

-I thanked God for Joseph's ribs. I was holding him one day and felt his rib; I was struck that his small body holds all of the same organs and bones that mine does. God's handiwork is SO amazing.

-I loved the newborn "curl." As a newborn, Joseph would often curl up on my chest and sleep. I now understand the sentiment that children are our hearts on the outside of our bodies!

-The first time I was holding Joseph and Adam hugged the two of us together. I am so blessed by our little family and thankful for my husband! Watching him become a dad has been a gift.

-Adam told me he was proud of me, both after Joseph's birth and after we brought Joseph home. Adam tells me often that he loves me and he tells me things that I've done well, but the pride he shared with me around our son's birth and the beginning of our parenthood journey are written on my heart in a special way.

-It hit me one day that Joseph might be the most tangible answer to prayer that I've ever received. Many people prayed for us that we would have a child, so sharing Joseph with them has also been very special to me.

Little Love, you are changing every day and the moments are fleeting. You bring so much joy to us. I pray that you always know how loved you are, by Jesus first, we as your parents second, and all your friends and family. You are a gift!

Joseph's Birth Story

On May 4, my water broke while getting ready for a doctor's appointment. We had hoped to labor at home for awhile, but because I needed antibiotics, we finished packing our things and off we went! At the time, we weren't positive that my water had broken... I was worried that we would be sent home, but if this was "it" I wanted something to mark this moment, the last time Adam and I left our apartment as a twosome. I had no idea what that should be though! Adam teased me by grabbing my hand and singing, "Moment!" Not quite what I had in mind, but a memory I'll treasure none the less :) Once we arrived, I was hooked up to two monitors - one for baby's heart rate and a second to measure any contractions. I had been having mild, irregular contractions for almost two weeks and they were the same this morning. They sent us to walk around the hospital and try to get things moving along. We prayed that my body would progress without the need for intervention. Around lunch time, I had soup and crackers. I was becoming more uncomfortable and I knew that the contractions were more intense than they had been that morning. I was hesitant to admit that I was hurting because I felt like we were very early in the process and I knew to expect the pain would get much worse. That was really scary to me. We took another walk; this time I had to stop often along the way to rest.

When we returned to the labor and delivery room, I was hooked up to the monitors again. This was very uncomfortable because I had to lean back for the monitor to pick up Joseph's heartbeat and most of my pain was in my lower back and hips. I don't remember what the status of my contractions was for that monitoring session but when they took me off this time, I went to the restroom and had three contractions seemingly right in a row. When I came out, I asked Adam to call in Enza, our doula. To our surprise and relief, she was already on her way! Things were definitely moving. To be honest, I have large gaps in my memories from this point forward. But I do remember a couple of snap-shots.

-- For the next two to three hours, Adam and Enza helped me through each contraction. Apparently some of my contractions lasted 2-3 min long and came with little break in between. I spent some time on an exercise ball, some standing with Adam's support, etc. I remember asking for heat on my hips at one point. Enza got this ready only for me to complain about 30 seconds later that it made me too hot.

-- Although I don't remember at all, I'm told our midwife eventually came in and checked me - 9.5 cm! This was the first time I had been checked, so I'm curious what I had been at the beginning of the day. Adam said the midwife suggested that I move into the position I wanted to push in. I said "ok," but didn't move for several minutes. When I finally did, I couldn't find a good position. I remember saying, "There's just not a comfortable way to do this, is there??" Everyone laughed.

-- I think I began to push around 6 pm. I looked at the clock and mentioned that my little stinker would choose Star Wars day to be born.. *sigh* (I later found out that May 4 is also Joseph's great grandma's birthday, so she is very excited to have a birthday buddy!)

-- At one point, they told me that they could see Joseph's head, and that he had hair. I was excited about this, and said so several times during the next few minutes. During my pregnancy, I had prayed that Joseph would have hair. (Really only because I always think baby hair is so sweet and cute.) It wasn't an intense prayer or even one that I considered important, but I asked nonetheless and God answered! He cares about even the smallest details!! I also reached down and touched his head. That was a pretty bizarre feeling!

-- I had chosen a couple of phrases from Psalm 30 to be my labor "mantra." "O God, be my helper and joy will come in the morning." Adam later said he heard me say the first part more than the second.

-- One of the nurses asked if we were having a boy or girl. I told her that we were having a boy, that I prayed for a son and God gave me a son. I also repeated this multiple times.

-- I remember feeling so tired. I pushed 2-3 times per contraction. Every time I managed to push a third time, it was so much weaker than the first two. The nurses and midwife kept asking for "just a little bit more." I remember telling myself that any push could be the last! I'm not sure how long I thought that, but it did help motivate me. Some of us found it annoying. :) Apparently Joseph was crowning for almost an hour. Adam said this frightened him because he wasn't sure what would happen if the baby was really stuck. Thankfully, Joseph was not actually stuck but he did come out "like a brick" (Adam's phrase). His shoulders came together instead of one at a time! Despite baby crowning for so long and the way his shoulders came, I had no tears and they did not perform an episiotomy. I'm particularly thankful for this! There was a huge sense of relief when Joseph was finally born. It's true when people say that the pain completely stops at that moment! They put Joseph on my chest and I was finally holding my son. I honestly don't remember all that I was feeling in that moment; it was so surreal. Even now, I remember it like a dream... A sweet, precious dream that I wish I could capture forever.

Joseph has big, beautiful eyes and wonderfully squishy cheeks! He looked very much like a Gosnell baby, particularly in the pictures from his first 24 hours. He also has some characteristics from my side and in one particular picture he looks very much like my Dad! When they weighed him, the nurse took a guess from everyone in the room. Adam, Enza, and I all guessed between 7 and 8 pounds. To our surprise, he was 8 lb. and 14 oz.! He measured 21 inches long. We are so thankful for a strong, healthy baby as well as a relatively simple labor and delivery! To God be the glory!

On Choosing the Name Joseph

Adam and I prayed for a baby longer than we expected. My body didn't adjust to being off of birth control very well and what we had planned to be a couple of months turned into over a year. During this time, we prayed. I worked to trust in God's faithfulness, His goodness, His timing. On July 7, 2014 I changed my prayer. I had been praying for a baby, but on this day I began praying for a son. I felt strongly that this is what God was leading me to do. He promised me a child, a son, and I believed He would be faithful to this promise. On that same day, I read a blog post entitled "Let Him Add - God's Word for the Barren Womb." In the post, the author talked about Rachel's prayer for a child. After many years, God answered and Rachel named her son "Joseph," meaning "Let Him add" or "Jehovah will increase." Rachel's faith journey didn't end when God granted her request - she asked for more! And that was my prayer as well - that God would add to our family and that HE would increase in our lives. God did increase through our time of waiting. He increased in my daily walk as He became even more real to me, in my joy as I learned that HE is "the good thing" (Psalm 34:10b), and in my trust as He patiently turned my doubt and fear into confidence and faith. God also answered my prayer for a son; we are expecting our son any day now! In naming our son "Joseph," I pray that God will increase in our son's life as HE has increased in my life. In naming our son "Joseph," I am also reminded that the journey doesn't end here, that we should always pray for more of God in our lives. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness, His gift of a son, and His increase - both past and future.

The Work God Has Given Me

Every Sunday, we say a prayer after Holy Communion. We thank God for feeding us spiritually and for reminding us of our place in His kingdom. Then we pray the following, "And now, Father, send us out into the world to do the work you have given us to do, to love and serve you as faithful witnesses of Christ our Lord."

This part of the prayer reminds me, among other things, that the work I do is given by God. My primary purpose during the Monday through Friday routine is not to get through my to-do list, but to love God and to serve Him. It has reminded me that my career is not really a career at all; it's my mission for God.

What struck me this Sunday is that, for the first time, the work God has given me for this week is not teaching... For four years, teaching has been my priority, my main focus, the place I spend the most energy. In many ways, teaching has been my identity. But this week, the students are traveling on academic trips and I'm 37 weeks pregnant; I'm working in the front office to help cover for people who are out. So the work God has given me for this week is to sit behind a desk (something I'm certainly not used to!). Next week is our school's Spring break and I will not be returning to teaching after Spring break.

So my next work is to continue preparing and waiting for our baby; then I'll begin the work of being a Mother. To be honest, I'm intimidated, perhaps even scared, of this next work, this work of being a Mother. What if I'm not "good at it" (whatever that means)? What if I don't enjoy it or if it's not fulfilling in the same way that teaching has been? These questions and others have crossed my mind at different points in my pregnancy, but as I prayed on Sunday, I felt hope. I felt encouraged. This work of being a Mother is given to me by God. This child is a gift given to me by God. And for these reasons, I'm reminded that my purpose in the work of being a Mother is the same as it has been in teaching. My purpose, my drive, is to love and serve God as a faithful witness of Christ our Lord.

Will I be "good at it"? Will I enjoy it? I don't know those answers, but I do know that it's the work God has given me. And that's enough.

Baby Gosnell: "All the days were ordained for me..."

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

The journey of desiring to be pregnant, praying for a child, and now the journey of pregnancy is so different for everyone. We each have our story, our ups and downs, our victories and scars. I'm sharing this because I believe that God deserves the glory in every story because He authors each one - from the couple who never "tries" to get pregnant to the infertile couple who conceives after all hope is lost. This is how He authored ours.

2014

March... I took the little pink pill for the last time. I think I made Adam hold my hand while I threw the packaging away. It was a symbol, a moment that I wanted to remember. I remember thinking, "Okay, God. It's truly up to you now." Of course it was always up to Him, but this small event made His work seem more tangible to me.

April, May, and June... I found an excuse every month to take a pregnancy test. "Today was so tiring.. Maybe I'm pregnant." "Why am I so emotional?... Maybe I'm pregnant."

July... God promised me a baby, a son to be exact. It's not something I can explain, because a conversation with the Most High can rarely be explained. But HE HAS PROMISED. He spoke to my heart and told me that one day... one day He will grant me a child.

August, September... The school year began again and I realized I expected to be pregnant by this point. I had hoped to come back to school and share the news with my coworkers and students. Maybe by Christmas, I hope to myself.

October... I share with my spiritual director that God has promised me a child. During the conversation, she shares that God is telling me to pray for this child, for the life that will be. I cry, knowing that God is affirming His promise to me. HE HAS PROMISED.

November... The doctor tells me that the lining in my uterus is likely very thin. He begins a regimen of medicines that he expects will help. God reveals to me the next morning that had we become pregnant during this time, the risk of miscarriage would have been much higher. Again I cry. He's watching me. He's working. HE HAS PROMISED.

December... As we head home for the holidays, I again realize I held a secret hope to be pregnant by this time. Maybe I could visit my family and bring good news to them in person. But there is no news to share.

2015

January, February, March... God, why am I here? Life continues its steady beat and I'm happy, but I still wait. I know I'm loved. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know God has made this time with my husband precious. I know HE HAS PROMISED. But still we wait. Sometimes in silence, other times in tears. Sometimes in patience, other times in fear... We wait. And God continues to be faithful. God continues to be real. He reminds me HE HAS PROMISED.

April... It's been over a year since the pink pills. A year sounds like such a long time. The doctor tells us that my body has responded well to the medicine. "Now," he says, "you can try." Now? Now he says we really begin. HE HAS PROMISED. And to Him even a thousand years is like a watch through the night. And so we trust. We wait.

May, June... My body continues in a rhythm that we hope will lead to a pregnancy. We continue to wait.

July... My body's rhythm comes to a halt. Could it be? Is this the moment I've been praying for? We take a test and I make Adam check the answer with me... It's negative and I cry. HE HAS PROMISED. I write the post Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing, trying to trust what God has for us even when it's not what I wanted right now.

August... We begin to prepare for another school year - my third year teaching at Covenant and Adam's third/final year in the M.Div. program at Gordon-Conwell. We wait in silence this month, thinking that pregnancy was not an option until my body's rhythm returns.

September 1, 2015 ... The day before school starts is our last in-service day before the year begins. I was having a medical issue and arranged to leave work for a quick doctor's appointment. During my visit, the doctor asks, "Are you sure you're not pregnant? Let's have you take a test to be sure." "Alright," I think to myself, "but I know it's going to be negative." A few minutes pass and the nurse pokes her head in and says "It's positive." WHAT?! After making sure I understood her correctly, I burst into tears right there in the doctor's office. HE HAS PROMISED.

We are so thankful for this child growing inside me. We are overwhelmed by God's faithfulness, His goodness, and His work. It didn't make sense medically for me to get pregnant when I did, but I thank God for that because it is one more way that He gets the glory in all this. God doesn't need my plans, my checklists, or my body's science. He is the author of it all and all I can do is to say "Thank you" and to do everything I can to make sure that He gets the glory for this amazing gift.