Stages of Postpartum

Let’s talk postpartum... Even under the best of circumstances, it’s hard. You’re physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Whether the birth was smooth and uncomplicated (my first) or scary and not what you hoped (my second), you’ve had a life-changing experience! It takes time to process and to heal. In the meantime, you’re caring for and bonding with your new baby!

These 6 stages have shown up in some way after both of my babies! I’ve found it’s important to keep in mind that these stages are short periods of time. Nothing lasts forever!  

1) The Adrenaline High 

Your body rewards all of your hard work with an adrenaline high! Your heart is on cloud nine and soaking in every inch of the tiny miracle you’re holding.  

2) Exhaustion 

I remember thinking it took all my energy to walk to the bathroom! The soreness set in and my body was screaming for rest. (As an aside, when any pain troubled me, I began to tell myself "Wait 24 hours." I found after every 24 hours I felt improvement and I knew my body was healing.)  

3) The “We’re Home!” High 

There’s so much pride and anxious excitement in bringing home a new baby!  

4) Tied To Baby 

Little babies require a lot of attention. You spend a lot of time with them and rightly so, but at some point, this feels suffocating. I remember telling Adam, “I miss you!”  

5) The Panic 

Life has changed and you’ve taken on a huge responsibility! With each baby, I had a period of panic. “I can’t do this! I don’t know how to take care of a baby (or, after Violet, to take care of 2)!” And as a friend told me, the truth is you’ve never done this before. It’s okay for it to feel scary and new!  

6) Settling In 

Here’s the sigh of relief. After the five stages above, you start seeing glimpses of what your new “normal” might look like. You troubleshoot the new logistics of getting out and about, your body becomes (somewhat) accustomed to living on less sleep, etc. You know you’re going to be okay!

Have you experienced any of these stages? Does my experience sound familiar or is it completely different than yours?

On Choosing the Name Violet

As Adam and I began dreaming of baby names, we talked about family names. During these conversations, I told Adam about my great-grandparents, “Mom Phillips” and “Daddy Clyde,” about their house with the wall of family pictures and the tree we climbed out back. I told him that they were strong Christians - that Mom Phillips, in particular, had a reputation as a prayer warrior. She was one of those people with a line to heaven that seemed more direct than the rest of us. I was very young when she developed Alzheimer’s, but I vividly remember her prayer on one of our last visits to their house. My Dad asked her to pray for our safety driving home. This prayer was tradition, but Mom Phillips had not been of a good mind during this particular visit. She didn't always remember our names or even where she was. When she prayed though... When she talked to God that morning, you would have never known she was sick. Her voice was strong and her thoughts clear. It still gives me chills thinking about that moment. I pray that I too am so focused on heavenly things that even disease cannot take this part of me. So the name “Violet” is in honor of my Great-Grandmother, Viola “Mom” Phillips. What a privilege for my daughter to bear part of her name and I pray that Violet seeks the Lord the way Mom Phillips did!

“Kay” is after my sister, Kayla. I struggle to put into words how important Kayla is to me, how she’s a part of who I am, how she’s challenged me and encouraged me. We’ve had our ups and downs as most siblings do, but she’s always been one of my favorite people. Kayla is funny, she’s real, and she’s one of the most loving people I know. During our time growing up, I was often frustrated that Kayla wouldn’t just do what we were “supposed" to do, but now it’s something I admire about her. She was always more comfortable in her skin than I felt in mine. Kayla has a tender heart and a particular gift for interacting with people who are elderly, disabled, or very young. Her love pours out and can make anyone feel like the most important person in the room. I know Violet will love her “Auntie K” and I think she will be honored to share part of her name. I pray she also shares Kayla’s confidence and love for people.

Violet Kay, we are so excited you’re here! Perhaps you’ll be just like your namesakes and perhaps very different. Either way, we hope you come to appreciate the beautiful heritage your name portrays. We love you so much and look forward to sharing this life with you!

Dear Joseph: On Becoming a Big Brother

Dear Joseph,
In a couple of months, we’ll bring home your new sister. We are so excited to see you become a big brother! Your sweet nature, your love of laughter, and your love of people will make you an especially good big brother.

Our world and our routine will change when your sister comes home. We may ask you to “wait” more often and you’ll share some of your time with us. Your sister will cry often at first and she’ll need lots of attention from Mommy and Daddy. But this doesn’t mean that we love you any less. We love you so much! Nothing and no one can ever change that.

We are so excited for your sister to arrive! In fact, YOU are one of the reasons we are so excited. Because of you, we know what a joy it is to add a member to our family!

Becoming a big brother will be a big change in your life and I want you to know that it’s okay to be frightened. (Mommy is a little frightened too ;)) Being a big brother is a gift and also a big responsibility. God chose YOU to be your sister’s brother! He chose you because are just the right person for the job and He knows you’re ready. God will help you grow and learn how to be the big brother He wants you to be.

Change can be hard, but it will be exciting also! I know your sister will love you so much. She doesn’t know it yet, but she has the best big brother ever! I’m so proud of you, Joseph.

Love,
Mommy

Mom-shaming Stops With Me

Mom-shaming - Criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make (Definition from Urban Dictionary).

It's easy to do. The snap judgment of the 30-second interaction you observe in the grocery store, the questions raised from a picture on Instagram, witnessing a parent do the "one thing you've sworn you'll NEVER do"... (Sidebar: You'll probably end up doing that thing.) We've all "mom-shamed" on some level.

But you know what? Mom-shaming stops with us. 

And not just our criticizing each other. Mom-shaming stops when we stop mom-shaming ourselves. How many Facebook posts have you seen that include #dontjudgeme, #momfail, or "I feel like such a bad mom, but..."? How many of my posts, how many of yours, include phrases like these?

I remember when we first brought Joseph home. He had trouble latching to breastfeed for the first few weeks and there were times when we would both cry. I would say to him, "I'm so sorry, Joseph. Mommy's trying. We're both learning." As Joseph becomes more of a toddler, my tears are more from exasperation, but I often pray that God would help me know how to teach him. Mothering is hard work and one of the hardest parts is that these precious little humans don't come with manuals. I don't know how to make him understand that it's encouraged for him to throw a ball, but it's wrong to throw other toys. I worry that the grapes aren't cut small enough or that he's cold in the night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things.

So when did I stop allowing myself to learn? When did I stop appreciating God's grace and start shaming myself as if it were all up to me? We're not alone in our struggles. Allowing my child more TV time than I once intended doesn't mean I've failed. I'm not a bad mom because his pajamas didn't have footies on a cold night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things. I want this attitude every day. Sometimes I forget his hat and sometimes I accidentally knock him over when he's clinging to my leg, etc, etc. I'm not suggesting that we celebrate these moments, but they happen. And they're going to continue happening because we're both learning. This parent/child thing isn't easy, but we're all learning.

Mom-shaming stops with me.

A Season of Simple

Choosing a calendar for the year is one of my favorite things! I look at each design option, each page and schedule layout, thinking through what’s ahead and what will work best for me. I like being busy and organized. I’ve prided myself on knowing what’s coming and planning ahead.

This year I discovered that Marshall’s sells an assortment of calendars—including one of my favorite brands. So I began the decision process... Here’s a calendar with the schedule layout I like, but I don’t really like the cover. I love that cover, but the page layout is too busy. What’s ahead for this year? My day is currently scheduled by “before nap” and “after nap.” This season doesn’t require the fancy layouts I’ve had before and I was somewhat disappointed by the thought.

I’m drawn to a hand-sized calendar with a simple layout—no lists, nothing fancy. It’s white with gold polka dots and inside is a weekly layout, simple blocks for each day. After some deliberation, I sense God’s presence and I hear Him speak to me, “Embrace this season of simple.”

I’m so thankful for this precious time as just “Mommy and Joseph,” acutely aware that my going back to work would have been very stressful at this stage. But I also feel lonely and unsure of how to structure my time. “Embrace this season of simple” has become a calling, an affirmation that I’m exactly where God wants me. A few months ago I could not have foreseen all that would unfold this Summer, but I’m so thankful that God goes before us, that He ordains our days.

The God-Centered Mom podcast closes with this sentiment and I’d like to as well. I tear up each time I hear it as I’m working to believe and live it. “I want you to really understand and know that God is just as present when you are washing dishes at your kitchen sink as when you are worshiping Him in a church pew. He sees your service to your family and He is pleased.”

A Small Thing in His Eyes

"So what are you guys doing?"

It's a question you get used to, but one that you come to dread. We heard it last Summer when Adam was finishing at Gordon-Conwell. Then, when we decided to stay in MA "for a year" the question resurfaced this Spring. And what do you say when your life is completely up in the air? Because the real answer is "I have no clue," but that doesn't seem to suffice. People expect you to have a place to live, to make money, to support your child. You know... the basics.

We'd been answering that Adam had applied to jobs in a few places and we were waiting for something to work out. Waiting. Even typing the word makes me cringe a little. "Waiting is an activity," my Spiritual Director said often during this time. "Well... Ok... But I'm still waiting," I thought. In March, I told Covenant Christian Academy that I wouldn't be returning. I told our Head of School and my students, "Adam's waiting to hear back from a few jobs and I expect we'll move this Summer." By mid-June, we had one job left... A really cool opportunity in Virginia. "This is the one," I thought. Or at least, "It's the last one, so it has to come through." [I imagine God smiled knowingly.]

But Adam didn't get the job in VA. Over four days, we learned three things: 1) No job in VA. 2) A different life change was coming (that I'll explain in a separate post). 3) Our lease wasn't expiring in September, it was expiring that Friday. "Umm... God, what are you doing?" In one sense, I'm panicking. In another sense, I'm completely at peace. God has to be up to SOMETHING. [Maybe she's finally getting it.]

One week later, Adam gets a phone call. "We'd like you to do a part-time curacy at CTR." (CTR is our current church and a curacy is a "baby priesthood" where a new priest trains and serves under a more experienced priest--if you've talked to Adam about it, this is what he really wanted next.) We were floored. The idea of a curacy at CTR didn't exist. It wasn't even possible the week before. I can't even explain why it became possible except to say that God worked a miracle. So we're staying in MA for awhile! Adam will work at CTR in this expanded role (and part-time at Christian Book Distributors, where, surprise, he also got a raise). With these changes, my salary from last year is covered and I'll stay home full-time with Joseph. Ya'll. God showed up and showed out. We are incredibly thankful.

It's a little disappointing we're not moving. We were hoping to be closer to family, in a more affordable area, etc. But God has made this path so incredibly clear. So, we are rejoicing in His provision and excited to see how He will continue to work!

Adam sent me this prayer from 2 Samuel yesterday:

Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me this far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes O Lord God. What more can we say to you? For you know your servant, O Lord God.

"Yet this was a small thing in your eyes..." God IS good. Not in the sense of "He's a good person" or "He does good things," but in His very being. His very essence IS good. And as Goodness, he provides. May each of us learn to live in light of His faithfulness, His goodness, His plan.

Saying Goodbye Doesn't Mean Anything

"Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it." ~Trey Parker

On Friday I taught my last class at Covenant Christian Academy. CCA was a "home away from home" while I worked full time during Adam's seminary journey. I say "home away from home" because I spent a lot of time there, teaching, planning, creating, etc, but also because I found community there. Having a job that I loved was a huge part of my settling in when we moved to New England. It gave me purpose (and kept me busy) while Adam was attending classes and writing papers (so many papers!). Kim Russell, a co-worker, took me in from the very beginning. I think she was just being nice at first—making sure the new girl was settling in—but somewhere along the way she became a dear friend. We spent many a planning period chatting, pulled away only by students arriving for one of our classes. She prayed with me for a child, encouraged me through our time of waiting, and celebrated our pregnancy with sincere joy. She loves Joseph dearly and I cherish that. I chaperoned the 8th grade trip which she leads and one of our favorite memories is sneaking away for milkshakes while students explored a D.C. museum.

It seems strange to say goodbye - especially to my students. The school year has always ended and we always say goodbye for the Summer, so I haven't figured out how to say goodbye without some part of me expecting to see them next year. I've taught many of them for multiple years, one group of them for four years - we're a little family of sorts. There are quote books, bad habits, inside jokes, etc. There are things I wish they would forget and many things I hope they'll always remember.

I hope they know that I've learned from them - to laugh at myself and to cherish the fresh start of each day, to say "I'm sorry" and to try again. I hope they remember that I believe in them and that every problem has a solution. I hope they know how to solve radical equations or to write a congruence proof (at least for their final next week ;)), but more than that I hope they remember that they CAN. They are good at math. And on the days when they don't feel like they're good at anything, I hope they remember that I love them. At the end of the day, they are my "kids." And I can't really say goodbye - I don't know how. So, instead, I'll say what I say every year - Have a great Summer and I'll miss you.