He's A Promise to Be Anything God Wants Him to Be

I am a promise,

I am a possibility

I am a promise with a capital "P"!

I am a great big bundle of potentiality!

And I am learning to hear God's voice and I am tryin'

To make the right choice;

I'm a promise to be anything God wants me to be!

It's easy to forget that the work of parenting goes beyond these long days and sleepless nights. I've decided that parenting a toddler often means gritting your teeth and praying whatever you're going through will pay off one day - potty training, staying calm through a tantrum, etc. Toddlers are awesome, but they're exhausting. 

Listening to Joseph sing "I am a promise" today brought me to tears. He IS a promise. Joseph and Violet are each a promise to be anything God wants them to be.

Joseph and Violet have each been baptized and part of what that means to me is that they are set apart for the Kingdom of God. Adam and I took vows on their behalf to "renounce the devil and all his works, to trust God wholeheartedly, and to serve Him faithfully." We promised as Joseph's and Violet's parents to teach them "the Creeds, the Lord's Prayer, the Ten Commandments, and all other things that a Christian ought to know, believe, and do..." God wants to use Joseph's personality, Violet's personality, their weaknesses and strengths for His Kingdom.

It's a high calling to parent these littles - to wake when they need comfort in the night, to train them in Godliness, to teach them what it means to be a promise... May God grant us daily grace and perspective.

Lyrics from "I Am A Promise" by The Gaither Vocal Band

Stages of Postpartum

Let’s talk postpartum... Even under the best of circumstances, it’s hard. You’re physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Whether the birth was smooth and uncomplicated (my first) or scary and not what you hoped (my second), you’ve had a life-changing experience! It takes time to process and to heal. In the meantime, you’re caring for and bonding with your new baby!

These 6 stages have shown up in some way after both of my babies! I’ve found it’s important to keep in mind that these stages are short periods of time. Nothing lasts forever!  

1) The Adrenaline High 

Your body rewards all of your hard work with an adrenaline high! Your heart is on cloud nine and soaking in every inch of the tiny miracle you’re holding.  

2) Exhaustion 

I remember thinking it took all my energy to walk to the bathroom! The soreness set in and my body was screaming for rest. (As an aside, when any pain troubled me, I began to tell myself "Wait 24 hours." I found after every 24 hours I felt improvement and I knew my body was healing.)  

3) The “We’re Home!” High 

There’s so much pride and anxious excitement in bringing home a new baby!  

4) Tied To Baby 

Little babies require a lot of attention. You spend a lot of time with them and rightly so, but at some point, this feels suffocating. I remember telling Adam, “I miss you!”  

5) The Panic 

Life has changed and you’ve taken on a huge responsibility! With each baby, I had a period of panic. “I can’t do this! I don’t know how to take care of a baby (or, after Violet, to take care of 2)!” And as a friend told me, the truth is you’ve never done this before. It’s okay for it to feel scary and new!  

6) Settling In 

Here’s the sigh of relief. After the five stages above, you start seeing glimpses of what your new “normal” might look like. You troubleshoot the new logistics of getting out and about, your body becomes (somewhat) accustomed to living on less sleep, etc. You know you’re going to be okay!

Have you experienced any of these stages? Does my experience sound familiar or is it completely different than yours?

On Choosing the Name Violet

As Adam and I began dreaming of baby names, we talked about family names. During these conversations, I told Adam about my great-grandparents, “Mom Phillips” and “Daddy Clyde,” about their house with the wall of family pictures and the tree we climbed out back. I told him that they were strong Christians - that Mom Phillips, in particular, had a reputation as a prayer warrior. She was one of those people with a line to heaven that seemed more direct than the rest of us. I was very young when she developed Alzheimer’s, but I vividly remember her prayer on one of our last visits to their house. My Dad asked her to pray for our safety driving home. This prayer was tradition, but Mom Phillips had not been of a good mind during this particular visit. She didn't always remember our names or even where she was. When she prayed though... When she talked to God that morning, you would have never known she was sick. Her voice was strong and her thoughts clear. It still gives me chills thinking about that moment. I pray that I too am so focused on heavenly things that even disease cannot take this part of me. So the name “Violet” is in honor of my Great-Grandmother, Viola “Mom” Phillips. What a privilege for my daughter to bear part of her name and I pray that Violet seeks the Lord the way Mom Phillips did!

“Kay” is after my sister, Kayla. I struggle to put into words how important Kayla is to me, how she’s a part of who I am, how she’s challenged me and encouraged me. We’ve had our ups and downs as most siblings do, but she’s always been one of my favorite people. Kayla is funny, she’s real, and she’s one of the most loving people I know. During our time growing up, I was often frustrated that Kayla wouldn’t just do what we were “supposed" to do, but now it’s something I admire about her. She was always more comfortable in her skin than I felt in mine. Kayla has a tender heart and a particular gift for interacting with people who are elderly, disabled, or very young. Her love pours out and can make anyone feel like the most important person in the room. I know Violet will love her “Auntie K” and I think she will be honored to share part of her name. I pray she also shares Kayla’s confidence and love for people.

Violet Kay, we are so excited you’re here! Perhaps you’ll be just like your namesakes and perhaps very different. Either way, we hope you come to appreciate the beautiful heritage your name portrays. We love you so much and look forward to sharing this life with you!

Dear Joseph: On Becoming a Big Brother

Dear Joseph,
In a couple of months, we’ll bring home your new sister. We are so excited to see you become a big brother! Your sweet nature, your love of laughter, and your love of people will make you an especially good big brother.

Our world and our routine will change when your sister comes home. We may ask you to “wait” more often and you’ll share some of your time with us. Your sister will cry often at first and she’ll need lots of attention from Mommy and Daddy. But this doesn’t mean that we love you any less. We love you so much! Nothing and no one can ever change that.

We are so excited for your sister to arrive! In fact, YOU are one of the reasons we are so excited. Because of you, we know what a joy it is to add a member to our family!

Becoming a big brother will be a big change in your life and I want you to know that it’s okay to be frightened. (Mommy is a little frightened too ;)) Being a big brother is a gift and also a big responsibility. God chose YOU to be your sister’s brother! He chose you because are just the right person for the job and He knows you’re ready. God will help you grow and learn how to be the big brother He wants you to be.

Change can be hard, but it will be exciting also! I know your sister will love you so much. She doesn’t know it yet, but she has the best big brother ever! I’m so proud of you, Joseph.

Love,
Mommy

Mom-shaming Stops With Me

Mom-shaming - Criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make (Definition from Urban Dictionary).

It's easy to do. The snap judgment of the 30-second interaction you observe in the grocery store, the questions raised from a picture on Instagram, witnessing a parent do the "one thing you've sworn you'll NEVER do"... (Sidebar: You'll probably end up doing that thing.) We've all "mom-shamed" on some level.

But you know what? Mom-shaming stops with us. 

And not just our criticizing each other. Mom-shaming stops when we stop mom-shaming ourselves. How many Facebook posts have you seen that include #dontjudgeme, #momfail, or "I feel like such a bad mom, but..."? How many of my posts, how many of yours, include phrases like these?

I remember when we first brought Joseph home. He had trouble latching to breastfeed for the first few weeks and there were times when we would both cry. I would say to him, "I'm so sorry, Joseph. Mommy's trying. We're both learning." As Joseph becomes more of a toddler, my tears are more from exasperation, but I often pray that God would help me know how to teach him. Mothering is hard work and one of the hardest parts is that these precious little humans don't come with manuals. I don't know how to make him understand that it's encouraged for him to throw a ball, but it's wrong to throw other toys. I worry that the grapes aren't cut small enough or that he's cold in the night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things.

So when did I stop allowing myself to learn? When did I stop appreciating God's grace and start shaming myself as if it were all up to me? We're not alone in our struggles. Allowing my child more TV time than I once intended doesn't mean I've failed. I'm not a bad mom because his pajamas didn't have footies on a cold night. There's always something that we're learning and God's grace is abundant for these things. I want this attitude every day. Sometimes I forget his hat and sometimes I accidentally knock him over when he's clinging to my leg, etc, etc. I'm not suggesting that we celebrate these moments, but they happen. And they're going to continue happening because we're both learning. This parent/child thing isn't easy, but we're all learning.

Mom-shaming stops with me.

A Season of Simple

Choosing a calendar for the year is one of my favorite things! I look at each design option, each page and schedule layout, thinking through what’s ahead and what will work best for me. I like being busy and organized. I’ve prided myself on knowing what’s coming and planning ahead.

This year I discovered that Marshall’s sells an assortment of calendars—including one of my favorite brands. So I began the decision process... Here’s a calendar with the schedule layout I like, but I don’t really like the cover. I love that cover, but the page layout is too busy. What’s ahead for this year? My day is currently scheduled by “before nap” and “after nap.” This season doesn’t require the fancy layouts I’ve had before and I was somewhat disappointed by the thought.

I’m drawn to a hand-sized calendar with a simple layout—no lists, nothing fancy. It’s white with gold polka dots and inside is a weekly layout, simple blocks for each day. After some deliberation, I sense God’s presence and I hear Him speak to me, “Embrace this season of simple.”

I’m so thankful for this precious time as just “Mommy and Joseph,” acutely aware that my going back to work would have been very stressful at this stage. But I also feel lonely and unsure of how to structure my time. “Embrace this season of simple” has become a calling, an affirmation that I’m exactly where God wants me. A few months ago I could not have foreseen all that would unfold this Summer, but I’m so thankful that God goes before us, that He ordains our days.

The God-Centered Mom podcast closes with this sentiment and I’d like to as well. I tear up each time I hear it as I’m working to believe and live it. “I want you to really understand and know that God is just as present when you are washing dishes at your kitchen sink as when you are worshiping Him in a church pew. He sees your service to your family and He is pleased.”

A Small Thing in His Eyes

"So what are you guys doing?"

It's a question you get used to, but one that you come to dread. We heard it last Summer when Adam was finishing at Gordon-Conwell. Then, when we decided to stay in MA "for a year" the question resurfaced this Spring. And what do you say when your life is completely up in the air? Because the real answer is "I have no clue," but that doesn't seem to suffice. People expect you to have a place to live, to make money, to support your child. You know... the basics.

We'd been answering that Adam had applied to jobs in a few places and we were waiting for something to work out. Waiting. Even typing the word makes me cringe a little. "Waiting is an activity," my Spiritual Director said often during this time. "Well... Ok... But I'm still waiting," I thought. In March, I told Covenant Christian Academy that I wouldn't be returning. I told our Head of School and my students, "Adam's waiting to hear back from a few jobs and I expect we'll move this Summer." By mid-June, we had one job left... A really cool opportunity in Virginia. "This is the one," I thought. Or at least, "It's the last one, so it has to come through." [I imagine God smiled knowingly.]

But Adam didn't get the job in VA. Over four days, we learned three things: 1) No job in VA. 2) A different life change was coming (that I'll explain in a separate post). 3) Our lease wasn't expiring in September, it was expiring that Friday. "Umm... God, what are you doing?" In one sense, I'm panicking. In another sense, I'm completely at peace. God has to be up to SOMETHING. [Maybe she's finally getting it.]

One week later, Adam gets a phone call. "We'd like you to do a part-time curacy at CTR." (CTR is our current church and a curacy is a "baby priesthood" where a new priest trains and serves under a more experienced priest--if you've talked to Adam about it, this is what he really wanted next.) We were floored. The idea of a curacy at CTR didn't exist. It wasn't even possible the week before. I can't even explain why it became possible except to say that God worked a miracle. So we're staying in MA for awhile! Adam will work at CTR in this expanded role (and part-time at Christian Book Distributors, where, surprise, he also got a raise). With these changes, my salary from last year is covered and I'll stay home full-time with Joseph. Ya'll. God showed up and showed out. We are incredibly thankful.

It's a little disappointing we're not moving. We were hoping to be closer to family, in a more affordable area, etc. But God has made this path so incredibly clear. So, we are rejoicing in His provision and excited to see how He will continue to work!

Adam sent me this prayer from 2 Samuel yesterday:

Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me this far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes O Lord God. What more can we say to you? For you know your servant, O Lord God.

"Yet this was a small thing in your eyes..." God IS good. Not in the sense of "He's a good person" or "He does good things," but in His very being. His very essence IS good. And as Goodness, he provides. May each of us learn to live in light of His faithfulness, His goodness, His plan.

Saying Goodbye Doesn't Mean Anything

"Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it." ~Trey Parker

On Friday I taught my last class at Covenant Christian Academy. CCA was a "home away from home" while I worked full time during Adam's seminary journey. I say "home away from home" because I spent a lot of time there, teaching, planning, creating, etc, but also because I found community there. Having a job that I loved was a huge part of my settling in when we moved to New England. It gave me purpose (and kept me busy) while Adam was attending classes and writing papers (so many papers!). Kim Russell, a co-worker, took me in from the very beginning. I think she was just being nice at first—making sure the new girl was settling in—but somewhere along the way she became a dear friend. We spent many a planning period chatting, pulled away only by students arriving for one of our classes. She prayed with me for a child, encouraged me through our time of waiting, and celebrated our pregnancy with sincere joy. She loves Joseph dearly and I cherish that. I chaperoned the 8th grade trip which she leads and one of our favorite memories is sneaking away for milkshakes while students explored a D.C. museum.

It seems strange to say goodbye - especially to my students. The school year has always ended and we always say goodbye for the Summer, so I haven't figured out how to say goodbye without some part of me expecting to see them next year. I've taught many of them for multiple years, one group of them for four years - we're a little family of sorts. There are quote books, bad habits, inside jokes, etc. There are things I wish they would forget and many things I hope they'll always remember.

I hope they know that I've learned from them - to laugh at myself and to cherish the fresh start of each day, to say "I'm sorry" and to try again. I hope they remember that I believe in them and that every problem has a solution. I hope they know how to solve radical equations or to write a congruence proof (at least for their final next week ;)), but more than that I hope they remember that they CAN. They are good at math. And on the days when they don't feel like they're good at anything, I hope they remember that I love them. At the end of the day, they are my "kids." And I can't really say goodbye - I don't know how. So, instead, I'll say what I say every year - Have a great Summer and I'll miss you.

Joseph's Breastfeeding Story

Much like a birth story, the breastfeeding journey is different for everyone. This is my experience with Joseph. It's not meant to contain every detail and there's always more to say, but I hope that our experience can be encouraging in some way!

Joseph latched well after his birth, but this was short lived. After that first time, I remember placing him to my breast and he would just cry... It was almost like he'd worked himself up so much that we would have to calm him down and then try again to help him latch. The nurses at Beverly Hospital were very supportive; they were so patient and didn't flinch when we called them to ask for help. They showed me how to position my breast for him, how to use a nipple shield, how to keep him awake while feeding, etc.

One of the first things that surprised me about breastfeeding was how long it took! Every baby is different, but in the beginning, Joseph nursed for 30 minutes on each side! The nurses had told me that I should feed him every 2-3 hours, so when we (finally!) finished those early nursing sessions, I expected to have at least 2 hours to rest... This was not the case. Obviously, Joseph still needed to be cared for in other ways. But also the "2-3 hours" was start time to start time—meaning if we started a nursing session at 2pm, he might need (and often wanted :)) another session around 4pm. When he was taking an hour to nurse, this was particularly exhausting!

We had varying degrees of success moving forward. The nurses had given me the nipple shield, but it only helped sometimes and it often required an extra hand. (Sidenote: I have mixed feelings about the shield. I do think it helped in the beginning and we didn't end up having any problems taking it off, but we did worry Joseph would become dependent on it. On top of all of this, Joseph also tended to put his hands to his mouth when he was hungry! So here I was, holding him with one hand, trying to adjust the shield and position my breast with the other hand, and now I needed to move his hands to help him latch. Adam or my mom started moving his hands for me, which was great. But I remember being scared of being alone with him because I didn't have enough hands!

Nights were the hardest. You want someone to help. You want someone to share the burden, but God has designed this so that only you can provide this type of nourishment. Adam was (and is) very supportive. He got up every time and changed Joseph's diaper while I got ready to nurse. Even still, when he went back to bed it was just me and Joseph! I'll be honest, sometimes I resented when Joseph needed to eat. Sometimes I still do, but I think everyone works past this in their own way.

Then Joseph got thrush, an infection that can be passed back and forth between mom and baby through breastfeeding. We began sanitizing everything that went into Joseph's mouth, the two of us began medication, etc. Thankfully this was not overly painful for either of us, but it was uncomfortable and the whole ordeal was stressful on top of our latching struggles.

Fast forward a couple of weeks... Seemingly overnight, it just clicked. Joseph was latching without help, the thrush was healed, it just worked. Other than a few adjustments to address a weight gain issue, we've never looked back! I love this special time with my baby boy. His eyes looking up at me, his hand reaching to touch my face, these are moments that I won't get back and that I hope to remember forever. Our nursing sessions already look different than those early days. He is much more active and aware of his surroundings. Sitting still is not his favorite thing - even when it's time to eat :) Nevertheless, I cherish our time and I'm so glad God has allowed me to be on this journey with my baby.

Moments

I suddenly had the hiccups recently and was reminded that Joseph had the hiccups almost every day as a new baby. And I panicked because I had almost forgotten! Joseph doesn't have the hiccups often now, so I hadn't thought of them in awhile. I wondered, "What else have I already forgotten?" I'm reminded that life is made up of tiny moments. Some moments feel insignificant or pass without thought (like the hiccups of a newborn), but others are frozen in time by their impact or wonderment (like bringing Joseph home). So I'd like to share some of our "moments" with Joseph.

These are a few that I recorded when Joseph was only a few weeks old...

-Singing "Jesus Loves Me" ... My parents had often shared with me that my Dad wanted to be the first one to tell my sister and me that Jesus loved us, so he sang "Jesus Loves Me" to each of us soon after we were born. I remembered this and sang to Joseph before we even left the delivery room.

-When he was only a few weeks old, I broke down crying because he is going to change and grow so fast. I am constantly reminded how fleeting these precious days are.

-I thanked God for Joseph's ribs. I was holding him one day and felt his rib; I was struck that his small body holds all of the same organs and bones that mine does. God's handiwork is SO amazing.

-I loved the newborn "curl." As a newborn, Joseph would often curl up on my chest and sleep. I now understand the sentiment that children are our hearts on the outside of our bodies!

-The first time I was holding Joseph and Adam hugged the two of us together. I am so blessed by our little family and thankful for my husband! Watching him become a dad has been a gift.

-Adam told me he was proud of me, both after Joseph's birth and after we brought Joseph home. Adam tells me often that he loves me and he tells me things that I've done well, but the pride he shared with me around our son's birth and the beginning of our parenthood journey are written on my heart in a special way.

-It hit me one day that Joseph might be the most tangible answer to prayer that I've ever received. Many people prayed for us that we would have a child, so sharing Joseph with them has also been very special to me.

Little Love, you are changing every day and the moments are fleeting. You bring so much joy to us. I pray that you always know how loved you are, by Jesus first, we as your parents second, and all your friends and family. You are a gift!

Joseph's Birth Story

On May 4, my water broke while getting ready for a doctor's appointment. We had hoped to labor at home for awhile, but because I needed antibiotics, we finished packing our things and off we went! At the time, we weren't positive that my water had broken... I was worried that we would be sent home, but if this was "it" I wanted something to mark this moment, the last time Adam and I left our apartment as a twosome. I had no idea what that should be though! Adam teased me by grabbing my hand and singing, "Moment!" Not quite what I had in mind, but a memory I'll treasure none the less :) Once we arrived, I was hooked up to two monitors - one for baby's heart rate and a second to measure any contractions. I had been having mild, irregular contractions for almost two weeks and they were the same this morning. They sent us to walk around the hospital and try to get things moving along. We prayed that my body would progress without the need for intervention. Around lunch time, I had soup and crackers. I was becoming more uncomfortable and I knew that the contractions were more intense than they had been that morning. I was hesitant to admit that I was hurting because I felt like we were very early in the process and I knew to expect the pain would get much worse. That was really scary to me. We took another walk; this time I had to stop often along the way to rest.

When we returned to the labor and delivery room, I was hooked up to the monitors again. This was very uncomfortable because I had to lean back for the monitor to pick up Joseph's heartbeat and most of my pain was in my lower back and hips. I don't remember what the status of my contractions was for that monitoring session but when they took me off this time, I went to the restroom and had three contractions seemingly right in a row. When I came out, I asked Adam to call in Enza, our doula. To our surprise and relief, she was already on her way! Things were definitely moving. To be honest, I have large gaps in my memories from this point forward. But I do remember a couple of snap-shots.

-- For the next two to three hours, Adam and Enza helped me through each contraction. Apparently some of my contractions lasted 2-3 min long and came with little break in between. I spent some time on an exercise ball, some standing with Adam's support, etc. I remember asking for heat on my hips at one point. Enza got this ready only for me to complain about 30 seconds later that it made me too hot.

-- Although I don't remember at all, I'm told our midwife eventually came in and checked me - 9.5 cm! This was the first time I had been checked, so I'm curious what I had been at the beginning of the day. Adam said the midwife suggested that I move into the position I wanted to push in. I said "ok," but didn't move for several minutes. When I finally did, I couldn't find a good position. I remember saying, "There's just not a comfortable way to do this, is there??" Everyone laughed.

-- I think I began to push around 6 pm. I looked at the clock and mentioned that my little stinker would choose Star Wars day to be born.. *sigh* (I later found out that May 4 is also Joseph's great grandma's birthday, so she is very excited to have a birthday buddy!)

-- At one point, they told me that they could see Joseph's head, and that he had hair. I was excited about this, and said so several times during the next few minutes. During my pregnancy, I had prayed that Joseph would have hair. (Really only because I always think baby hair is so sweet and cute.) It wasn't an intense prayer or even one that I considered important, but I asked nonetheless and God answered! He cares about even the smallest details!! I also reached down and touched his head. That was a pretty bizarre feeling!

-- I had chosen a couple of phrases from Psalm 30 to be my labor "mantra." "O God, be my helper and joy will come in the morning." Adam later said he heard me say the first part more than the second.

-- One of the nurses asked if we were having a boy or girl. I told her that we were having a boy, that I prayed for a son and God gave me a son. I also repeated this multiple times.

-- I remember feeling so tired. I pushed 2-3 times per contraction. Every time I managed to push a third time, it was so much weaker than the first two. The nurses and midwife kept asking for "just a little bit more." I remember telling myself that any push could be the last! I'm not sure how long I thought that, but it did help motivate me. Some of us found it annoying. :) Apparently Joseph was crowning for almost an hour. Adam said this frightened him because he wasn't sure what would happen if the baby was really stuck. Thankfully, Joseph was not actually stuck but he did come out "like a brick" (Adam's phrase). His shoulders came together instead of one at a time! Despite baby crowning for so long and the way his shoulders came, I had no tears and they did not perform an episiotomy. I'm particularly thankful for this! There was a huge sense of relief when Joseph was finally born. It's true when people say that the pain completely stops at that moment! They put Joseph on my chest and I was finally holding my son. I honestly don't remember all that I was feeling in that moment; it was so surreal. Even now, I remember it like a dream... A sweet, precious dream that I wish I could capture forever.

Joseph has big, beautiful eyes and wonderfully squishy cheeks! He looked very much like a Gosnell baby, particularly in the pictures from his first 24 hours. He also has some characteristics from my side and in one particular picture he looks very much like my Dad! When they weighed him, the nurse took a guess from everyone in the room. Adam, Enza, and I all guessed between 7 and 8 pounds. To our surprise, he was 8 lb. and 14 oz.! He measured 21 inches long. We are so thankful for a strong, healthy baby as well as a relatively simple labor and delivery! To God be the glory!

On Choosing the Name Joseph

Adam and I prayed for a baby longer than we expected. My body didn't adjust to being off of birth control very well and what we had planned to be a couple of months turned into over a year. During this time, we prayed. I worked to trust in God's faithfulness, His goodness, His timing. On July 7, 2014 I changed my prayer. I had been praying for a baby, but on this day I began praying for a son. I felt strongly that this is what God was leading me to do. He promised me a child, a son, and I believed He would be faithful to this promise. On that same day, I read a blog post entitled "Let Him Add - God's Word for the Barren Womb." In the post, the author talked about Rachel's prayer for a child. After many years, God answered and Rachel named her son "Joseph," meaning "Let Him add" or "Jehovah will increase." Rachel's faith journey didn't end when God granted her request - she asked for more! And that was my prayer as well - that God would add to our family and that HE would increase in our lives. God did increase through our time of waiting. He increased in my daily walk as He became even more real to me, in my joy as I learned that HE is "the good thing" (Psalm 34:10b), and in my trust as He patiently turned my doubt and fear into confidence and faith. God also answered my prayer for a son; we are expecting our son any day now! In naming our son "Joseph," I pray that God will increase in our son's life as HE has increased in my life. In naming our son "Joseph," I am also reminded that the journey doesn't end here, that we should always pray for more of God in our lives. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness, His gift of a son, and His increase - both past and future.

The Work God Has Given Me

Every Sunday, we say a prayer after Holy Communion. We thank God for feeding us spiritually and for reminding us of our place in His kingdom. Then we pray the following, "And now, Father, send us out into the world to do the work you have given us to do, to love and serve you as faithful witnesses of Christ our Lord."

This part of the prayer reminds me, among other things, that the work I do is given by God. My primary purpose during the Monday through Friday routine is not to get through my to-do list, but to love God and to serve Him. It has reminded me that my career is not really a career at all; it's my mission for God.

What struck me this Sunday is that, for the first time, the work God has given me for this week is not teaching... For four years, teaching has been my priority, my main focus, the place I spend the most energy. In many ways, teaching has been my identity. But this week, the students are traveling on academic trips and I'm 37 weeks pregnant; I'm working in the front office to help cover for people who are out. So the work God has given me for this week is to sit behind a desk (something I'm certainly not used to!). Next week is our school's Spring break and I will not be returning to teaching after Spring break.

So my next work is to continue preparing and waiting for our baby; then I'll begin the work of being a Mother. To be honest, I'm intimidated, perhaps even scared, of this next work, this work of being a Mother. What if I'm not "good at it" (whatever that means)? What if I don't enjoy it or if it's not fulfilling in the same way that teaching has been? These questions and others have crossed my mind at different points in my pregnancy, but as I prayed on Sunday, I felt hope. I felt encouraged. This work of being a Mother is given to me by God. This child is a gift given to me by God. And for these reasons, I'm reminded that my purpose in the work of being a Mother is the same as it has been in teaching. My purpose, my drive, is to love and serve God as a faithful witness of Christ our Lord.

Will I be "good at it"? Will I enjoy it? I don't know those answers, but I do know that it's the work God has given me. And that's enough.

Baby Gosnell: "All the days were ordained for me..."

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalm 139:16

The journey of desiring to be pregnant, praying for a child, and now the journey of pregnancy is so different for everyone. We each have our story, our ups and downs, our victories and scars. I'm sharing this because I believe that God deserves the glory in every story because He authors each one - from the couple who never "tries" to get pregnant to the infertile couple who conceives after all hope is lost. This is how He authored ours.

2014

March... I took the little pink pill for the last time. I think I made Adam hold my hand while I threw the packaging away. It was a symbol, a moment that I wanted to remember. I remember thinking, "Okay, God. It's truly up to you now." Of course it was always up to Him, but this small event made His work seem more tangible to me.

April, May, and June... I found an excuse every month to take a pregnancy test. "Today was so tiring.. Maybe I'm pregnant." "Why am I so emotional?... Maybe I'm pregnant."

July... God promised me a baby, a son to be exact. It's not something I can explain, because a conversation with the Most High can rarely be explained. But HE HAS PROMISED. He spoke to my heart and told me that one day... one day He will grant me a child.

August, September... The school year began again and I realized I expected to be pregnant by this point. I had hoped to come back to school and share the news with my coworkers and students. Maybe by Christmas, I hope to myself.

October... I share with my spiritual director that God has promised me a child. During the conversation, she shares that God is telling me to pray for this child, for the life that will be. I cry, knowing that God is affirming His promise to me. HE HAS PROMISED.

November... The doctor tells me that the lining in my uterus is likely very thin. He begins a regimen of medicines that he expects will help. God reveals to me the next morning that had we become pregnant during this time, the risk of miscarriage would have been much higher. Again I cry. He's watching me. He's working. HE HAS PROMISED.

December... As we head home for the holidays, I again realize I held a secret hope to be pregnant by this time. Maybe I could visit my family and bring good news to them in person. But there is no news to share.

2015

January, February, March... God, why am I here? Life continues its steady beat and I'm happy, but I still wait. I know I'm loved. I know that God's timing is perfect. I know God has made this time with my husband precious. I know HE HAS PROMISED. But still we wait. Sometimes in silence, other times in tears. Sometimes in patience, other times in fear... We wait. And God continues to be faithful. God continues to be real. He reminds me HE HAS PROMISED.

April... It's been over a year since the pink pills. A year sounds like such a long time. The doctor tells us that my body has responded well to the medicine. "Now," he says, "you can try." Now? Now he says we really begin. HE HAS PROMISED. And to Him even a thousand years is like a watch through the night. And so we trust. We wait.

May, June... My body continues in a rhythm that we hope will lead to a pregnancy. We continue to wait.

July... My body's rhythm comes to a halt. Could it be? Is this the moment I've been praying for? We take a test and I make Adam check the answer with me... It's negative and I cry. HE HAS PROMISED. I write the post Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing, trying to trust what God has for us even when it's not what I wanted right now.

August... We begin to prepare for another school year - my third year teaching at Covenant and Adam's third/final year in the M.Div. program at Gordon-Conwell. We wait in silence this month, thinking that pregnancy was not an option until my body's rhythm returns.

September 1, 2015 ... The day before school starts is our last in-service day before the year begins. I was having a medical issue and arranged to leave work for a quick doctor's appointment. During my visit, the doctor asks, "Are you sure you're not pregnant? Let's have you take a test to be sure." "Alright," I think to myself, "but I know it's going to be negative." A few minutes pass and the nurse pokes her head in and says "It's positive." WHAT?! After making sure I understood her correctly, I burst into tears right there in the doctor's office. HE HAS PROMISED.

We are so thankful for this child growing inside me. We are overwhelmed by God's faithfulness, His goodness, and His work. It didn't make sense medically for me to get pregnant when I did, but I thank God for that because it is one more way that He gets the glory in all this. God doesn't need my plans, my checklists, or my body's science. He is the author of it all and all I can do is to say "Thank you" and to do everything I can to make sure that He gets the glory for this amazing gift.

Back to School 2015

Reasons I love Back to School:

I can't wait to see my students and co-workers again! It's crazy how much time we spend together over a school year. We're always ready for Summer break, but we miss each other too :)

The schedules and routines return. Don't get me wrong, I hate my alarm at 5:30 every morning, but I'm healthier and more balanced when I stay on a consistent schedule - something I'm not very good at maintaining in the Summer.

Two words: school supplies. Seriously, new pens and fresh notebooks just make me happy!


A fresh start. It's my second chance to set new year's resolutions, to start healthy habits, etc. it's energizing!

7th graders. They always begin the year wide-eyed and slightly clueless. They're eager to please and willing to love you just because you're their teacher. It wears off some as the year progresses, but I enjoy it while it lasts.

Decorating my classroom. It's a lot of work, but I like starting off with a clean slate. This year, I have a brand new room. Our school finished out a hallway and I'll be there with one of my favorite teaching buddies!

Back to School is always bittersweet, but it's mostly exciting! Pray for us as we start new relationships and rekindle old ones. Pray that our students will feel loved and we'll make connections early. Pray for solid routines to be established quickly, for mutual respect, and for energy!

Those Who Seek Him Lack No Good Thing

Have you ever started praying something for someone else only to learn later that YOU need your prayer more than the other person? Yikes! A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Adam about Psalm 34. As I read through it, I desired each verse for our (future) children... I pray that our children bless the Lord continually, that they seek Him for deliverance, that they taste His goodness, that they fear Him, etc. I began memorizing the Psalm for this purpose - to pray it for our (future) children.

Then disappointment came... I had prayed and hoped for something. I believed that God's timing was now, that He was finally going to answer my prayers. But He said no; once again He asked me to wait. And I was hurt. I told God that it wasn't fair and I pointed out others who have what I wanted - Why them and not me? Pridefully, I told Him that I deserved this and that everything would be better if He would only grant this one request. And I heard Him whisper the verses that I had memorized only days before... "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth... I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears." You want me to bless you and seek you, Lord? At all times... Even now? You'll deliver me from my fears? "Taste and see that [I] am good." I know You're good, Lord. "Those who fear [me] have no lack." I fear You, Lord. "Those who seek [me] lack no good thing." I am seeking you, Lord. But why do I feel this desire? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on something that others enjoy? If I feel lack, it means one of two things... 1) I am not seeking the Lord. Or 2) The object of my desire is not good.

1) I am not seeking the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I remember hearing Beth Moore comment that she's learned that this verse doesn't mean that God will give us everything we want, rather it means that God makes Himself that desire. It means we become satisfied because we find that He is the only thing worth desiring.

2) The object of my desire is not good. I don't mean that a house or a husband (or whatever we might be praying for) is bad itself, but it may not be what God has planned. Or further it may not be what God has planned for right now. To lack no good thing means that we already HAVE every good thing.

So I find myself now praying Psalm 34 not only for future children, but for myself... I'm praying that I will bless the Lord continually, that I will seek Him for deliverance, that I will taste His goodness, that I will fear Him, etc. And I pray the same for you, dear friend. God's blessings to you. 

Through the Storm

Read Psalms 107:1-3, 23-32, & 43.

Did you read it? No, seriously... Read! (Clicking on "Read!" will take you to Bible Gateway. I've already searched the passage for you and everything.)

Psalm 107 has a rhythm to it. There are a few verses telling a story about heartache, fear, or trouble quickly followed by two phrases: "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress... Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!" This happens four times. As I heard the passage referred to above on Sunday, the image that came to mind was of another story. A New Testament story. Does anything come to mind? There are a couple of stories that would fit, but the one that came to me was when Jesus calmed the storm on Galilee. It's found in Mark 4:35-41.

Read Mark 4:35-41. ...  Read!

There are a couple of things that stand out to me in this passage. 1) Jesus told them in verse 35 where they were going - to the other side. There was a destination, a plan, a purpose before they ever sailed out. 2) The disciples question: "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" They trusted this man. They had given up everything to follow this man, this Jesus. Now they are afraid and they begin to question everything. Does this sound familiar? 3) Jesus' questions: "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

I’ve recognized that one of my idols is security. I desperately want to be safe, to know what’s coming around the bend. I hate when I can’t predict what will happen next - from a meeting at work to the future with my husband. I do love adventure, but only when I’m the one in control.

Recently my emotional security was threatened and I felt very alone. It’s difficult to explain the circumstances and I will not try, but I became very angry at God. Why would He allow this? Why didn’t He protect me from this? Surely this pain wasn’t what He intended for ME. In my anger I cried with the disciples, "Teacher, do you not care?!"

Then on Sunday, I heard Jesus ask me these questions: “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

Remember in Mark that it was Jesus’ idea to get in the boat. He told the disciples that they should cross to the other side. He knew they would travel through the storm. He knew the disciples would become afraid and that their security would be threatened. Yet He told them to go anyway. I believe the disciples' faith was worth their insecurity. Their growth was worth the fear. And I'm learning that the same is true in my own life. God's faithfulness and steadfast love are enough to sustain me through the storm.

Arthur Benjamin & Inspiring Math

 

There are many things that I find difficult about teaching, but two of them are planning for a substitute teacher and inspiring my students.

1) Planning lessons for a substitute is really hard for me! I stress about whether my directions are clear enough, if the students will have enough time or if there will be extra time, if the substitute will even read my plans, etc.

2) Inspiring my students. Math gets a bad rapport with many students long before they ever enter my classroom. Many students have already decided that math is too hard for them, that they'll always be poor students in math. And I so desperately want to show them that it doesn't have to be that way! I believe that all students can learn - more specifically, all students can learn math! But helping them believe that for themselves is something that I struggle with.

So when I found this video by Arthur Benjamin, I was really excited - Arthur is interactive, inspiring, and he loves math! What more could a math teacher ask for?! I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did.

While I was away with the 8th graders in D.C., I left this video along with a response sheet for my 7th grade PreAlgebra class and my Geometry classes. Here are a handful of responses from my student when asked about inspiration. Hopefully I can build on these!

• “The number patterns are really cool and how they build upon each other. This shows us how amazing and diverse everything is and how immaculate God is for creating this."

• “I am not only inspired by math, but also my teacher. Having a great teacher (Mrs. Gosnell) helps the students to learn more math. You rock!”

• “Doing math inspires me to think harder and inquire different angles and viewpoints of life’s many situations and decisions."

• “Math inspires me to learn the world around us. By learning new equations/problems in math, it inspires me o learn about problems in the world around us.”

• “Mrs. Gosnell is an inspiration to me. You can see clearly how much she loves math and wants to share her knowledge with us.”

• “Personally when complex concepts all of a sudden click, I find it really cool. Also how things become so complex is really neat.”

• “I love the patterns in math. Fibonacci numbers are a perfect example of this. Patterns are inspiring.”

• “Math poses a challenge that one must strive to overcome. It inspires one to think critically and creatively and find patterns between numbers.”

• “The challenge of going through the hardships of finding an answer.”
  

"Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving..."

Mary's responsibility at home is to clean up the dishes after supper. She does so faithfully each night. One night Mary's parent serves grilled cheese for dinner. "How dare you serve me grilled cheese? I've done the dishes every night. I never complain and I even put clean out the sink! I deserve much more than grilled cheese for dinner!"

It's not a perfect illustration, but I was Mary earlier this week. You see Adam and I left everything we knew and moved to MA, we live in seminary housing with no dishwasher, and I (mistakenly) thought that I was doing God a favor. Then on Friday, I woke up to water spots in our ceiling and water dripping into our apartment from the window. We put towels down to dry up the water as much as we could and Adam waited on maintenance while I headed to work. A couple of hours later I received a text from Adam... Maintenance said they can't do anything right now - told us to soak it up as best you can and wait until it gets warmer. My reaction was something like this: "Wait until it gets warmer?! Are you kidding me? This is where we live. How dare they expect us to live here while water leaks in!"

Later I began reading an article about the work that Compassion International has done in Haiti since the Tsunami in 2010. I read of families completely displaced from their homes and others who moved back in only to deal with constant leaks and major damage. Ugh. What about my situation made me think that I was doing God a favor? How could I ever think that my sacrifice of ashes could compare to the riches of heaven that He owns?

Psalm 51:16-19, "For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do goo to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

Psalm 54:6-7, "With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O Lord, for it is good. For he has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye has looked in triumph on my enemies."

Do you see it? God is pleased with our sacrifice when it comes from thanksgiving, from humility - realizing the help that He has provided us, realizing His salvation in our lives. God doesn't need anything from us (Ps. 50:12). Our sacrifice is not a favor to Him. God doesn't owe us anything. Our sacrifice is a thanksgiving, it's all we can offer when we realize how much God has done for us!

Abba, I am humbled. I am honored to serve you, to offer what little I have to you. Forgive me for a haughty attitude, for thinking that I deserved a place of honor. You are my helper, my salvation. You are the reason that I live, the reason that I have any blessing in this life. Thank you for accepting my sacrifice of thanksgiving.

From Winter to Spring

As I was driving home this week through the snowy tunnels that are the roads these days I was struck by how endearing New England is to me. It sounds a little crazy to say at this time of year. One day this week the temperature outside wass 3 degrees and felt like -6 degrees. The forecasted temperature for 7 a.m. (when I will be leaving for work) was -1... I learned that my car will in fact show negative degrees! The forecast for this weekend is snow, snow, and more snow... This only adds to the 2+ feet that already covers the ground. And yet... New England is my home. It's truly beautiful and I can't help but feel attached.

The snow is weighing down the trees and their branches are bent low to the ground as a result. Most of the smaller bushes are completely covered, perhaps a small branch peaking out here or there. There is nothing the snow doesn't touch (Lion King, anyone?). To say it takes over is an understatement... Yet in spite of its suffocating touch, I am reminded that Spring will come again. It's one of the reasons I love New England. One day, not too far from now,  the temperatures will rise to 70s and 80s. After winter has forced most of us indoors, Spring and Summer will pull us out again. The sunshine will finally break through the clouds (to stay) and it will begin to melt the snow. Green grass will grow again. I enjoy the winter season more than some (and less than others), but oh how I look forward to Spring! Take heart, New England!

The turn from Winter to Spring is powerful to watch... And it reminds me of our great God - how he sees a weary soul, bent over by the cruelty of sin, darkened by hopelessness. He takes that soul and shines His Son over the darkness, healing us from sin. It's even more beautiful than Spring time!